Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Bumbling Through Bumble, Part 4: These profile pics are worth a thousand dirty words

I really wish I’d gone into this Bumble experiment with the “screenshot everything” mindset. Because holy hells bells. I am self-aware enough to know that not only am I the most far-from-perfect person on the planet, I am also a walking/talking hot mess of sarcasm-masked insecurity. But at least I can pick a decent prolife picture. Unlike these guys…

One guy actually used a wedding photo in his profile. FROM HIS OWN WEDDING.

One only put pictures of his kids. No pictures of himself, just the kids. I’m sure those little rug rats are the most wonderful and well-behaved children in the world*, but is he trying to attract a pedophile?

One guy’s main profile pic was of a 90-ish year old lady who looked like she’d survived the Hunger Games. I assume she was his grandma or something, and I’m sure she’s lovely (assuming she’s still alive), but she’s definitely not my type.

And the muscle heads. Geez. These are the guys whose only profile pictures are the “shirtless in the gym bathroom mirror” kind. (I know it’s the gym bathroom because I used to be a Planet Fitness member, so I recognize that bathroom tile.) Do they have ANY other interests? I mean, there’s more to life than working out and getting tattoos. (I don’t have anything against tattoos, don’t send me hate emails.)

But the worst, the very worst ones were the Patagonia/Northface guys. You know the ones. Guys whose every picture is them hiking, climbing mountains, snow skiing…and running the occasional marathon. I really need Bumble to have a filter that not only looks at age and miles apart, but also sorts out dudes by interest in outdoor activities. I AM AN INDOOR CAT.

I haven’t given up yet. I’m still checking that stupid app every day. For the last three days I have had no matches. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Part of me is disappointed and hurt. The other part of me is thinking, “whew. Another day of not having to socialize and trying to act like a normal person. That was a close one.”  

In an effort to improve my results, I have changed my search settings. I bumped up the search criteria to include guys up to 52 years old. Maybe I’ll find a guy with an AARP discount. Stay tuned.

*Sarcasm. There is no such thing. Much like Sasquatch or comfortable high heels. 

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