Saturday, December 23, 2017

Bumbling Through Bumble, Part 2: I've got a match. Now what? Crowdsourcing my love life.

So yeah. Bumble

I've been on Bumble for a few days now. I haven't gotten many matches*, but I have gotten EVEN MORE advice from friends. 

From Olivia (the little shit): If the guy is holding a monkey in his profile picture, you HAVE TO SWIPE RIGHT. 

From Courtney: Don't mention that you can't say "Alexa" when you're wearing your retainers. 

From someone who wishes to remain anonymous: Maybe you should be more serious in your profile. 

Hmmm....that's the least helpful advice ever. Especially the profile part. If anything, I want to make it more 'me' because I'm pretty sure men just look at the pictures and don't actually read the bio. So I should definitely update my bio. I mean, if I'm going to be single forever, I'm going to be single on my own terms. 

Current version: 

Under-consideration version:

I'm a goddess disguised as a Star Wars nerd in Converse sneaks. I run on sarcasm and Diet Coke. I love to watch football (American), football (what Americans call soccer), and Spanish telenovelas. I figure I've got a 54% chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse - 72% if there are still tacos in the apocalypse to give me something to live for. 

*I haven't gotten many matches, but I have had some. It's kinda cool. I get that match notification on my phone and I get a little excited. And then I get a little nauseated because clearly what I've been saying in my opening messages to my matches hasn't been working. And suddenly a phone app has me second-guessing myself. I can't decide. I just don't know. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY IN MY OPENING MESSAGE? 

That's right. Me, the girl who talks too much, the girl who talks for a freaking living, does not know how to open a conversation and/or flirt with a man. No game. I have no game. So I think I need suggestions (not advice, because my friends seem to suck at advice). 

Tell me how you think I should start up a conversation, and I'll use it if it's reasonable (by MY standards of reasonable you have a fair amount of wiggle room). And then I'll let you know how well it worked. 

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