Thursday, September 28, 2017

Duncan Hines can kiss my spatula

Everyone who knows me knows that I don't cook. It's not that I CAN'T cook; it's that I don't WANT to cook. And I don't WANT to cook because I don't LIKE to cook...and I primarily don't LIKE to cook because cooking involves doing dishes later. #DoingDishesSucks

(Well, damn. I just used a hashtag in a non-Facebook/non-Twitter/non-Instagram setting -  without even thinking anything about it until I reviewed this in the editing process. I also regularly use the word "adult" as a verb now, as in "I can't adult today." Clearly the time I spend around college kids has affected my brain.)

Anyhoo, on a recent trip to Hell the grocery store, I came across a Duncan Hines Perfect Size chocolate cake kit. Of course, now you're thinking, "Shelley must have gotten lost to ever end up on the baking aisle." And you're not entirely wrong. I forgot my grocery list for the 217th time in a row, so I was just going up and down every aisle in an effort to not forget anything - and it worked. I didn't forget anything because I bought practically everything. Including the Duncan Hines Perfect Size cake kit, which I will refer to as the DHPSPITACK (Duncan Hines Perfect Size Pain In The Ass Cake Kit) from this point. 

The next day at work I was telling Olivia (a sassy coworker) about the DHPSPITACK:

Me: "It's great! This kit comes with a small cake mix, a small icing pouch, and a 6-inch baking 'pan' so that I can bake a cake without having a full 9x13 cake to pig out on!" 

Olivia: "So you bought an Easy Bake Cake for grown ups?"

Olivia is a little shit sometimes. 

But again, I digress. 

After a week or so of being too busy or too tired after work to bake the DHPSPITACK, I finally had a free evening. I opened the box and started following directions. 

Combine the cake mix and dry goods by stirring manually = 1 bowl + 1 spoon

Blend the batter with mixer for 2 minutes = mixer

Pour into pan and put in the oven to bake for 39 minutes.

Then I grabbed the icing packet...which I had assumed would be a packet of actual icing that I would just squeeze out onto the cake. OH NO. It was the packet of chocolate powder to which I would add fluffy butter to make my own buttercream icing. (I'm #TeamButtercream, by the way, but that's a story for another day.)

So I washed the mixer and then softened and fluffed the butter with the clean mixer = 1 bowl

Added the chocolate power and blended/fluffed some more. This was actually harder than you think, because it doesn't take much butter to make icing for a 6-inch cake, and butter likes to stick to mixer blades, so mostly I had chocolate powder that was stuck to butter that was stuck to mixer blades that were just spinning for no good reason. There was a lot of starting and stopping and...

Lots of scraping butter off blades happened = spatula

I finally got the icing finished right as the oven timer went off. For those of you not paying attention, that was 39 minutes. It took THIRTY-NINE MINUTES to make the icing for a 6-inch cake! Easy Bake cake, my butt, Olivia!

By the time the cake cooled and I had the icing on it, I was so sick of the whole process that I didn't even want to try my petite pastry. I still had dishes to do anyway. The mixer (again), two bowls, a spoon and a spatula. That's not much, I know, but #DoingDishesSucks

Twenty-four hours later, after a long day of work and shenanigans, the DHPSPITACK looked more like a cake and less like a nuisance. I cut a small piece, aka half the cake, and gave it a try. It tasted like...every other chocolate cake I'd ever made. I was underwhelmed. 

The icing sure was good though.

No comments:

Post a Comment