Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I'm going to need a defibrillator, an eye patch and caffeine IV drip. STAT.

As I've mentioned before, I am not a morning person... "not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."  (100 imaginary points to the first person to name the movie that quote comes from.) In order to be a mostly functional member of society each day, I consume as much caffeine as humanly possible during my 12-minute drive to work. If I can manage to fully caffeinate* between home and work, the fogginess in my head clears, my hearing improves and my vision is scary good. 

But alas, this morning I opened up the fridge on my way out and grabbed NOTHING. I grabbed again, and still NOTHING. I managed to focus my attention enough to realize there was an empty spot where the Diet Cokes usually reside. My brain started to buzz and bing like old-fashioned dial up while it slowly remembered that it was supposed to remember something important. Something really important. But what? Maybe this bright pink sticky note on the fridge can give me a clue.

Oh yeah, that's it.

Damn. I knew there was something important I was supposed to do after work yesterday. Today's caffeination* would have to wait until I could get to the office. So I said a couple of quick prayers (one that I could wake up enough to drive, and another that the Coke machine at work wouldn't reject the bills I had in my wallet) and headed across town. Somehow I made it to campus safe and sound, parked the car, started the walk to my building and........ had a (figurative) heart attack when I came across about a million snakes.

Yes, snakes.

In my mind, when I saw the snakes I cleverly muttered, "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" (another 100 imaginary points if you can name the movie) and calmly went about my business. But in reality, I jumped out of my own skin, heart pounding and exclaimed "holy #?*!@!"  

The adrenaline cleared my head in a way that caffeine never could, and so I was able to really see the "snakes" which were in fact NOT snakes, but shriveled seed pod thingies that have fallen off the trees THAT TOTALLY LOOK LIKE SNAKES.

After a quick look around to see how many people witnessed my jack-assery,** I picked up the pace and managed to get to the office safely. I booted up the computer and headed straight to the Coke machine for my fix. I took a good long drag on the bottle and opened up email. I didn't get very far reading the first one before I realized my left contact was blurry (probably from all the rapid blinking I did when I thought I was about to die via reptile). Anyway, I grabbed my little vanity mirror from my desk drawer, popped the contact into the palm of my hand and reached for the bottle of saline solution I keep on my desk. I tipped the bottle down and saw Diet Coke filling my palm and coating my contact lens. (I really wish I was making this up.) I had grabbed the wrong damn bottle!

At first, as I saw my lens floating in the sweet nectar of the gods, I was appalled...not because of the lens, but because it was a total waste of Diet Coke. And then I considered the potential wonder of skipping the middleman (aka my stomach) and putting the caffeine directly in my eye via the contact lens. Imagine the possibilities! If my eyes had already had their daily caffeine boost when I came across the snakes I would have known they weren't actually snakes! This is a billion-dollar idea and I'm filing the patent paper work as we speak. Once I work out the kinks, caffeinated contacts will totally be a thing...I could work with Hasbro to get a robot/alien that wears the caffeinated contacts and call them "OCULUS PRIME." OH MY GOD. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE? I'M GOING TO BE A MILLION-BILLIONAIRE. I'LL HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE LIKE MARK ZUCKERBERG AND THAT GUY FROM THAT BAND AND THAT GIRL FROM THAT SHOW.  OMG I CAN SEE SOUNDS AND HEAR COLORS!


Author's note: There is no need to call an ambulance or recommend that I seek professional help. I had just had three Diet Cokes back-to-back-to-back by the time I wrote that last paragraph. It was alot like having a caffeine IV drip. Hmmm...caffeine IV drip, that has potential. I bet I could market that. I'll think I'll grab another coke and think about it...


* - Spellcheck does not recognize this as a word. Whoever created the spellcheck database clearly drinks decaf.

** - Spellcheck also does not recognize this a word. It knows "tom-foolery" but not "jack-assery." Ridiculous.


  1. Wow! An Indiana Jones moment on the way to work, eh?

    I rather need something stronger than Diet Coke to wake me up before I go go. A large cup of dark roast, full bodied usually helps.

    Oh, I'm very modest too, just like you. :) Following you now.

    1. 100 points for knowing Indiana Jones!

      I've never been a coffee drinker. I don't like the way it smells (I know, I'm weird), and I really don't like the way it makes me feel. That leaves me tea and Diet Cokes for my fix.

      Thanks for the follow! Have a great week!