Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today I earned the title of "Weirdest Neighbor in the Apartment Complex." On purpose.

Every apartment community has that one weird neighbor. The one who walks around talking to themselves, or puts out Halloween decorations in April, or who just generally does weird stuff. Today, I completely intentionally became that weird neighbor.

In my complex, each apartment entry has an overhang that is supported by two decorative columns. It seems that last night a very industrious family of spiders managed to weave a rather large web between the columns of MY entry and effectively block me in. Luckily, just before I walked into the web, the sunlight hit it just right and I was able to back up and avoid that creepy feeling of having web stuck all over me. So I stepped back in my apartment and grabbed the broom and then got back in the doorway to brush away the web.

This sounds like a something a normal person would do, right? Well, yes it is, as long as anyone who sees you waving a broom in the air is close enough to see the web. See, at exactly the moment I was waving the broom in front of me getting the webs, neighbors from THREE different apartments happened to step out of their apartments. They were far enough away that they couldn't see the web, only the crazy lady waving a broom in the air in front of her apartment.

They all looked at me like I'm nuttier that squirrel poo (thank you, JK Rowling for that lovely phrase). And I could have chosen to announce to them that I was clearing spider webs, but how boring is that? So I yelled out that there was no need for any of them to worry, that my ex-husband's ghost won't leave me alone, but he probably doesn't have a reason to bother anyone else in the complex. They all managed to get in their cars and get gone pretty fast after that.

I really hope that earning the "Weirdest Neighbor in the Apartment Complex" title will pay dividends in the future. I don't mean money; I'm not THAT delusional. I just hope it's enough that the neighbors will not send their kids to my apartment anymore during school fundraising season and that they'll make an effort to be quiet and courteous so that I don't go full-on crazy on them of these days. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Well, I'm feeling pretty stupid right about now.

A few years back I bought a set of kitchen utensils. It had probably 100 pieces at least. There were serving spoons and slotted spoons, a ladle, a pancake-flipping type spatula or two, a scrape-the-stuff-out-of-the-jar type spatula or two, a whisk, measuring cups, measuring spoons, tongs....and this thing. 

It's like a bulb-less flashlight.

Now, it's no secret that I'm no cook. Most of the utensils in that set have only been used a few times over the years, but this one was never even touched because I figured it was for some kind of really advanced recipes. 

Then yesterday, it caught my eye, so I picked it up and REALLY looked at it. And look what I figured out....

It's like a Transformer, but instead of turning into a robot it turns into something TRULY useful.

That's right. Your dear friend and wine aficionado Shelley has unknowingly had a corkscrew hiding in plain sight in her kitchen drawer FOR YEARS. 

I feel so stupid, and strangely guilty for judging a book by its cover (or a utensil by its odd shape), but I take comfort in knowing that at least my Transformer corkscrew has had company while he waited for me to discover the beauty he carries within. 

 Alien and Angel welcome Transformer to the drawer with open arms.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Convenience store etiquette .... aka you can't scratch those lottery tickets if you're hog tied with the hose from the gas pump

Etiquette. That word used to only be associated with how ladies and gentlemen were supposed to behave while out with ton. (Yes, ton. I've been reading Jane Austen again. Get over it.) These days though, etiquette is usually the second half of a phrase describing a specific type of appropriate behavior. There's email etiquette, movie theater etiquette, mobile phone etiquette, etc....

Today, I want to talk about convenience store etiquette. Specifically, I'm going to give an example of BAD convenience store etiquette.

As I've mentioned before, I am not a morning person, and I require caffeine in the morning. And in the mid-morning. And at lunch. And in the early afternoon. And again around 3 pm. Anyway...

On this particular morning, I had no caffeine in my apartment. None. So I stopped at the convenience store down the street on my way to work. When I walked in, there was a guy diligently working at a pile of a scratch-off lottery tickets at the lottery kiosk. I got to the back of store where the rest of the caffeine-deprived zombies were shuffling around, getting their first fix of the day. I got my jumbo iced tea, added in just the right amount of Sweet N Low, took a big drink to "make sure I had the right amount of Sweet N Low" (aka to start flow of caffeine in my blood stream) and then topped it off with more tea.

By the time I got to the check out line, there were four people in front me. The lady directly in front of me had the biggest refillable coffee mug I've ever seen. It had to be 60 ounces at least. And it was fluorescent orange, pink and green. Frankly, I can't believe she'd need coffee to wake up after just looking at that godawful thing, but what do I know? In front of her were two guys with coffee and snacks. They looked like construction workers or some kind of workers who work outside and who probably should have already been at work by 8:30 am (judging by the way they kept looking at their watches). And then there was the guy at the front of the line. It was Mr. Scratch Off himself.

Apparently, Mr. Lotto man had managed to get a couple of winning tickets and wanted to cash them in right then. Now, if you've ever cashed in a lottery ticket, you know that it's not the quickest process. By the time the clerk had scanned them all, declared he had won $27, and dug that $27 out of the cash register, those of us behind him were getting antsy. We all kind of started to move forward at the same time assuming the line was going to start moving then. But no. Mr. I'll Keep Trying My Luck was REALLY going to try his luck. When the clerk tried to hand him his winnings, he said, "no, I just want to get some more tickets."


And he picked them out. One by freaking one. He asked how much every ticket cost, even though it's printed on every ticket and you can see it through the protective glass. Eventually, he got two of the $5 tickets and 17 of the $1 tickets. That's right. He spent four minutes (I counted) picking out lottery tickets while the line of not-fully-caffeinated, not-running-on-time-for-work and definitely-not-amused customers grew behind him.

One of the construction guys mumbled something about "late for work."  I heard "so rude!" from somewhere in the line behind me. The woman with the jumbo hyper-color mug looked like she was ready to swing all 60 ounces of it at him. And me? I was eyeing the gas pump hoses out front and thinking "I'd like to see him scratch those tickets with his hands tied behind his back with those hoses."

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Don't read this post.

Why are you still here? I specifically told you in the title to NOT read this post. See, I'm learning how to use blog analytics and search results and other totally nerdy stuff that will prove I have tens of readers. And part of turning on one of the thingys is to post this link in a post: 

<a href="">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

I'm sure there's a better way to do it, but I'm not that technically savvy.

I guess since you read this far I should give you something to make it worthwhile, or would that just be rewarding you for not following directions?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Buying wine makes me need a drink. Thank goodness I'm buying wine.

Sometimes the wine isle of the grocery store can be a little intimidating. Especially when there are other people there who talk about wine like they actually know what they are talking about. I encountered this on my last trip down the wine isle for some sangria (which is my fave, by the way). I was listening in on them hoping to learn something while trying to look like I actually DO know something about wine. (I don't know anything about wine other than that I know I like it; ) Anyway, I wasn't paying attention and picked up a bottle of cabernet sauvigon instead of sangria. I didn't notice this until I was unloading groceries at home. 

FYI, if you add Sweet N Low to cab/sav, it tastes JUST LIKE sangria. 

Oh yes, I did.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I can't be expected to blog during the World Cup

This isn't really a blog post. This is a brief explanation of what has kept me so busy that I haven't written a post in weeks. I really only need a few words because there are so many pictures and videos to explain.


So far there have been lots of these moments.

USA is still in (as of 10:38am July 1)

Spain is out (but still full of handsome players)

Sergio Ramos - yowza

Xabi Alonso - debonair

Gerard Pique - Shakira's Baby Daddy

And Suarez is still crazy. 

Nom nom. Turns out Italians taste like chicken.

The WC final is July 13.Y'all enjoy your July, I'll see ya in a couple of weeks.