Friday, February 28, 2014

My car is the best boyfriend I've ever had

I had an awkward realization today. None of my romantic relationships with men ever lasted over two years, but I've had my car for nearly 10 years. My car is my freaking significant other.

This epiphany hit me because my car Big Red (yes, I name my cars. You don't?) has spent the last week in the shop. Dropping him off actually hurt my heart and I told Scott, the dude at the repair place, to "take good care of my friend." He looked me like I was insane. I thought guys understood the car/driver bond; especially "car guys" who work in repair shops. Apparently they're not as deep as I give them credit for.

Anyway, while BR was in the shop, I was driving around in a newer, shinier rental car that I named Young Un. It took a lot to not feel like I was being unfaithful to Big Red by driving Young Un. And despite the fact that YU was MUCH cleaner than BR, and ten years younger, and had four fully-functioning windows, and had fancy USB charger ports, and had a radio that picked up Amarillo, and got way better gas mileage, I really missed Big Red. (No, really. I did.) We've been through a lot together and a younger, hotter replacement just wasn't the same. (I could get into how Big Red has a V6 engine and Young Un only has a V4, but with the metaphor I'm currently running with, that would just sound vulgar.)

So when I got the call that I could pick up BR today, I was ecstatic! I took YU straight back to Enterprise and asked them to drop me off at the shop because when you "pick Enterprise, they pick you up." Or drop you off. Whatever. They're not sponsoring this post (although corporate advertising is ALWAYS welcome on the blog), so I'll mangle their slogan however I want to.

Anyway, the guy who drove me to the shop was this teenaged, goofy chatty guy named Gerald who peppered me with questions (the friendly kind, not the creepy kind). 

"Did you enjoy your trip?" "Oh, your car was in the shop, what was wrong with it?" "Do you have big plans for the weekend?" and on and on and on.

And somehow, one of his questions had me mentioning that I'm looking forward to when the Guardians of the Galaxy movie comes out because I'm a big fan of comic book movies. And that got us onto comics: DC vs Marvel (obviously Marvel, with the exception of Wonder Woman), Arrow on TV, the upcoming Justice League Movie and how I was pretty sure I was Wonder Woman when I was about four years old. The chat I had with that kid was the best, dorkiest, nerdiest conversation I've had in awhile (with the exception of a very brief online chat about wearing chain mail in the zombie apocalypse) and I had (for not the first time) that "and THIS is why I'm single" epiphany. And then I put it ALL together and realized that I may not have a guy in my life, but I've been going steady with my car for almost a decade now. 

Normally, this kind of "aha!" moment would make me feel lame. Then I realized that I've been with Big Red longer than some of my friends' first marriages lasted. And then I also realized that I've been to COUNTLESS bridal showers, weddings, baby showers and kids' birthday parties once the babies grew up. That is a DECADE of giving gifts. I think you see where I'm going with this.....

In July 2014, Big Red and I will celebrate our tenth year together.  

FYI:  the traditional 10th anniversary gift is aluminum or tin (but with Big Red we've really got those things covered), so we've started gift registries at Auto Zone and Discount Tire. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

My grocery store understands Intelligent Design better than Wikipedia does

I've been thinking about religion again. Sorta. Okay, barely. 

Today's religious/scientific rant discussion is about "Intelligent Design." 

According to Wikipedia, Intelligent Design is "a form of creationism presented by its proponents as a theory that "certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection" .... yada, yada, yada.  (You can read the whole article here if you want.) 

Yeah. Whatever, Wikipedia. According to Shelleypedia, Intelligent Design is the Market Street on 19th and Quaker putting the birthday cakes and wine right across from each other so that I can't not get cake when I'm only on that end of the store for wine. Let's just say that the kid that I'm never going to have has had a lot of imaginary birthdays. 

Intelligent Design in action

p.s. This one is a pretty short rant discussion. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves then have some cake. I'm not sharing the wine.  

p.s.s. Every time I get a cake, the bakery person asks what I want them to put on it. I usually just tell them it's fine the way it is and move on to the wine, but next time I think I'll get an icing inscription. Any suggestions what it should say? I'm leaning toward "Happy Vasectomy, Earl!" or something equally awkward.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Beauty "don'ts" from the girl who did

Every now and then, my doctor’s office waiting room supplements all of the Golf Digest, Diabetes Today and AARP magazines with cool pubs like Cosmo and Glamour. When I was there for my last visit, I was in the waiting room for nearly two hours, so I had time to read the good stuff from cover to cover. I noticed that both Cosmo and Glamour had this season’s beauty “dos and don’ts.”  Granted, those editions in the waiting room were from the days when Sandra Bullock was “living the dream” with Jesse James and Justin Bieber had yet to commit a felony, so they technically weren’t THIS season’s “dos and don’ts,” but beggars can’t be choosers. And anyway, expired or not, they just wanted to help all of us look fabulous, dahling.

Anyhoo, I’m usually pretty willing to try out new beauty products, routines and long as they aren’t ridiculous, ridiculously expensive or ridiculously painful. I have yet to have enough positive results in my beauty experimenting to make a Cosmo-worthy list of beauty “dos,” but I have a pretty impressive (and embarrassing) list of “don’ts.” Such as:

DON’T: Drink 8 glasses of water to get that healthy skin glow unless you have convenient access to a bathroom and a significant toilet paper budget.

DON’T: Expect BB cream to be a one-product solution for you if you’re my age (over 40). For those who don’t know, BB cream is tinted face cream. Foundation and moisturizer in a single container! Sounds like a miracle product...and it would have been about 20 years ago when I didn’t have so many laugh lines, stress lines, scars and unexplainable splotches on my face. These days, it’s easier to just go to Home Depot for primer, Spackle and a gallon of Glidden Toasted Coconut.

DON’T: Waste your money on one of those No!No! hair remover things. It’s pretty much just a hot wire that burns off your hair and then solders the follicle shut. At least I can honestly say using the No!No! didn’t hurt. But then, the big red bumps made by the ingrown hairs under those sealed follicles weren’t necessarily soothing. I looked like I had chicken pox. I was sexier with hairy legs than No!No! legs.

DON’T: Buy skinny jeans unless you’re actually skinny. If you are actually skinny, go eat a sandwich.

DON’T: Buy really expensive nail polish to use on your toes if your boobs are big enough that you can’t really reach your toes without having to do some serious yoga moves.

DON’T: Put one of those blackhead-sucking pore strips on your nose and then start reading a mildly-smutty romance novel. Eight chapters and twelve ripped bodices later, you’ll remember the pore strip is still there, it will stick like you superglued it on, your neighbors will hear you cuss like a sailor as you peel it off, and your nose will look like you used your No!No! on it. (Or so I’ve heard.)

DON’T: Put self-tanning lotion on your feet. I love this stuff. It’s just about the only thing that keeps me from looking like a corpse during the summer. But, keep it off the tootsies, people. Sandals and flip flops will rub it off in weird places and make it look even darker in others. Soon, instead of having a golden glow, your feet will look like you’ve been playing in the dirt. (Clearly, this DON’T is a DO if you regularly play in the dirt.)

And finally…..

DON’T: Remove the hair from your arms. EVER. I’m not talking about your armpits. (Please, shave the pits, girls.) I’m talking about your actual arms. It may seem like a good idea one day, when some random old lady in Walmart touches the hair on your arms and freaks you out (long story); but it’s not a good idea. It will never be a good idea. If you start taking the hair off your arms, YOU CAN NEVER STOP… and not in the “no one can eat just one Lays potato chip” way. You can't stop, because if you do, your arms will be prickly ... like a cactus or Simon Cowell’s personality. And even if you manage to not shave or Nair for a while and make it through the cactus phase and get the hair on your arms back to it’s previous length, it will never ever lay down flat. It will stick out in every direction like you constantly have your fingers in a light socket. Seriously, not even conditioner will get it to cooperate. (Or so I’ve heard.)

I had to learn the hard way on these "don'ts." YOU can learn from my mistakes. Unless you have your own "don'ts" from personal experience. If so, feel free to share them in the comments section below. It's pretty obvious I need all the help I can get.