Friday, September 27, 2013

My chocolate milk theory for saving the world

Today's news headlines are depressing. Terrorists shooting up malls. Republican/Democrat deadlock that could shut down the country. War in the Middle East. Turmoil in Africa. Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye West in a rap beef. I'm so tired of it.

At the heart of all these problems are people. People who are mad. People who are hurting. People who are just plain assholes. We need to fix the people before we can solve anything else.

Clearly, I wouldn't be bringing this up if I didn't have a plan. And I do have a plan. One small step to improve everyone's foul dispositions.

I propose that every day each person on the planet should drink a glass of chocolate milk. (I bet you expected me to say wine, didn't you?) It is almost impossible to have a shitty attitude when you're drinking a glass of chocolate milk. (Unless you're lactose intolerant, then more than your attitude will be shitty. In that case, you're welcome to substitute a juice box or Capri Sun.)

Will a glass of chocolate milk save the world? Of course not. Will it make one person's attitude a little better? Possibly. Will that one person's improved attitude possibly improve the attitudes of the people they're in contact with regularly? Probably. Will the dairy industry support my theory? Incredibly likely...if they actually hear about it.  (Drafting an email now....)

So, go enjoy your weekend. Have a glass of chocolate milk and start saving the world.

p.s. Daily Oreos might also work.

p.s.s. Or maybe daily viewing of cute cat gifs.


  1. Or p (s cubed) daily Oreos with a side of chocolate milk while watching cute cat gifs in a Snuggie. Are Snuggies still a thing? If so, score!

  2. Snuggies are still a thing. They're the best as-seen-on-TV product EVER.

  3. And, now we know you were right. See what happens when they try to take away the chocolate milk? Disaster.

    1. "we know you were right." Those are some of my favorite words! And thanks for including that link.