Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I have put way too much thought into the zombie apocalypse

Yesterday I had the most intelligent conversation that I've had in quite awhile with one of my former students who shall be called "D" to protect her street cred. The topic? Zombies. D is very anti-zombie. She thinks Hollywood hasn't done anything original with zombies in years and that the stories have gone too far from the voodoo origins of zombies for them to even be considered zombies.

I, clearly, am pro-zombie. I agree that some Hollywood zombie stuff really sucks, but for the most part, I enjoy it. I really like The Walking Dead. It's a well-written story that is as much about the survivors and the things they're willing to do to survive, as it is the zombies themselves.

D talked about voodoo and religion; she even took a college class that covered it (obviously not my class).  I talked about societal factors like a poor economy and a feeling of hopelessness that tends to mirror the ZA (zombie apocalypse for all you non-nerds). She didn't change my mind and I didn't change hers, but we still had an intelligent discussion. How often does that happen anymore? (sadly, not often. even though I work at a college.) Ultimately, it ended with me telling her I respect her opinion on zombies, even though I don't agree with it, and that I expect her to not get pissy when she gets bit in the ZA and I have to take her out.

I really do think the zombie/undead genre is a good reflection of the lack of hope some people feel these days. The economy is bad. So many people have lost jobs and homes through no fault of their own in many cases. We feel cheated because life isn't fair and good things also seem to go to the wealthy or the popular or the good-looking. The zombie fantasy appeals because it's a great equalizer. Zombies don't care if you're rich or handsome, they just want to eat your brains. Suddenly, in that world, the people who are smart, strong and prepared are the ones who survive. Money and good looks are useless. Unemployment doesn't matter because no one is working. The Average Joes and the below-Average Joes are the new heroes. Just look at the Daryl Dixon character in The Walking Dead. He's an uneducated racist redneck who manages to grow into a non-racist, badass, zombie-kiling stud. I'd be willing to bet most men who watch the show want to BE Daryl Dixon and most women want to DO Daryl Dixon. (At least as long as he got a shower.)

Thinking about how people like zombie stuff because it's the great societal equalizer, I realize it's kinda weird that I like them. I'm not wealthy or particularly beautiful or popular, but I definitely am doing better now than I would in the ZA. I can list too many  reasons why I'd probably be the first to get my brains eaten.
They include, but are in no way limited to the fact that I, am out of shape (Zombieland rule #1 - cardio), do not keep weapons in my home, can't cook if a microwave isn't somehow involved, and am a big wuss. I guess I just like watching a "reality" that is really, really unpleasant and (as far as I know) also really, really unlikely. It's nice to know that no matter how bad things may be on a certain day, at least no one is trying to turn me into their lunch.

I don't really know if there is an overall point to this post, other than the fact I just have had this stuff running through my brainnnsssssss (yes, I went there) and thought maybe someone else might want something nerdy to discuss.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Being social is making me anti-social

You may have noticed the blog posts have been few and far between lately. The summertime is when I'm busiest with my job. I spend six days a week greeting new students and their parents, telling them about how their student accounts will work and answering the same three or four questions over and over and over. By the time the summer is over, I will have spoken to over TEN THOUSAND students and parents. And I love it. 

In fact, new student orientation is my very favorite part of my job. It's fun. The people I talk to are (mostly) excited about going to college and picking classes and everything that comes with moving away from home for the first time. And besides the general excitement, I love that I get to give presentations. I stand up in front of a few hundred people and try to make them laugh through the tears of paying for college. It's a dream job for an only child. I get paid to have people pay attention to me. 

The downside of my summertime duties is that I only have so many minutes of social time in me per day. And by "social time" I mean, time to spend around other people. Not because of scheduling, but because another quirk of being an only child is that I like to spend quite a bit time alone. By the time the work day is over, I just want to go home and lock myself in. I don't have anything left to give my friends and family.

I suppose there isn't a real point to this post, other than to apologize to anyone who I haven't spent enough time with lately. And to take a moment to point out that there are only 4 weeks left until school starts. Whew.

Monday, July 22, 2013

No More Migraine Thanks to the Norse God of Thunder

Occasionally, I get migraines so bad they make me physically ill. When that happens my doctor gives me a shot that takes away the pain and makes me want to crawl into bed.

The medicine is called Thordal. (Technically, I think the real name is Toradol, but my doc is a bit of a hick.) 

Anyhoo, I consider it no coincidence that a drug that makes me feel warm and fuzzy and ready for bed has a name that makes me think of Thor (who also makes me warm and fuzzy and ready for bed). 

Look at him. I feel better already. 

That is all. Goodnight.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


This is me on the LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET. Sixteen pounds lighter and digestively glorious. (TMI. I know.)

But as I mentioned to friends on Facebook, it's not really accurate to say that I'm eating vegetarian, because  that would imply I'm eating vegetables. I've found lots of ways to not eat meat that also don't involve eating vegetables.

So, instead of being a vegetarian, I should say that the amount of pasta I eat makes me a pastatarian. Listening to Bob Marley while eating pasta makes me a pastafarian.

I've gotten to enjoy Mexican food with cheese enchiladas and chips and queso, and chips and salsa. That makes me Tex-Mexicanarian.

I've really embraced the flavor in jalapenos (especially on pizza) to give my new meals a little kick. But sometimes I overestimate how much heat I can take. That makes me a "Oh-shit-that's-hot"-inarian.

I've also embraced the glory of the grilled cheese. I use one slice of American and one slice of pepper jack. It's REALLY good, but makes me feel like a kid again. That makes me a "I-want-my-mama"-inarian.

Eating healthy can be inexpensive, too. I've been eating my pastas and fruits during the early bird specials at a couple of local places. That makes me feel like an octengenarianinarian.

And then sometimes (most of the time), I'm lazy. I open up a can of Bush's pinto beans and put a little cheese on top. That just makes me...gassy.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Out-Weirding a Craigslist Weirdo

Earlier today I overheard part of a conversation as some people walked by the conference room I was in. The girl said that she thought that a guy wasn’t calling her back because she “out-weirded him.” And then she corrected herself...”I mean, weirded him out.”

I wanted to pop my head out of the door and tell her that despite what she may think, you really can "out-weird" a guy. I should know. I've done it. I out-weirded the weirdest guy ever. (Ever notice how if you use a word too many times it starts to look weird. "Weird" is starting to look weird.)


**Flashback a year or so**

My phone made that "text message" sound. It was about midnight. None of my friends ever text me that late because they know I won't answer. Or maybe it's because I'm kinda scary and/or mean and/or incoherent when you wake me up. Whatever.

The text turned out to be from a number I didn't recognize. It also turned out to be a picture of a redneck guy who (whom?) I've never met. He was wearing a wife beater t-shirt and knee-high cowboy boots and standing by the tailgate of a tricked-out pickup truck holding a 6-foot-long rattlesnake.

This is the text chat that ensued:

Me: Ummmmm...nice snake? Is that a new truck? Who is this?

Redneck: I'm answering your ad. I hope you don't mind that I sent a pic.

Me: (Assuming a friend is messing with me) You know what they say...a picture is worth a thousand words. Seriously, who is this?

Redneck: I really liked your ad. Do you like my pic?

Me: Sure, loved it, whatever. What ad? WTF is this?

Redneck: Your Craigslist ad.

Me: I didn’t answer a Craigslist ad. WHO IS THIS?

Redneck: No, I’M answering YOUR ad. (He’s thinking I’m a dimwit at this point, I’m sure.)

Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Redneck: You didn't run an ad looking for a hookup tonight?

Me: Obviously not. But now I'm curious about something.

Redneck: What?

Me: Did you really think a pic of a fully-clothed guy is right for this situation? If you want to hook up, you should have at least gone shirtless. Looks like you've got some muscles under that wife-beater.

Redneck: Thanks. I'll report the ad to Craigslist so they'll take it down.

Me: Thanks. And what's with the snake? Did you think I'd go all "Eve in the garden of Eden" on you? Get to know you in the Biblical sense?

Redneck: I'll make sure they take the ad down.

Me: And if you wanted an anonymous hookup, you should NOT have showed your license plate in the picture. I could be a weirdo.

Redneck: I'm going to stop answering you now.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you out-weird a guy. I'm not entirely sure that it's a good thing that a Craigslist perv thinks I'M the scary one, but I still count it as a win.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

My Wonderfully F'ed Up Weekend

I had the most wonderfully F'ed up weekend. It was F'ed up in so many ways.

Family - I got to see my parents, aunt, uncle, cousins, second cousins (or is it first cousins once removed? Whatever) and THIRD cousins. One of the third cousins is a sweet baby girl who did not puke on me even once when I held her.

Me not being puked on by a baby

Food - We did what families do, we ate. Steak, corn, potato salad, jalapeno poppers, brownie bars, strawberry sticks (strawberries, marshmallows & blueberries on toothpicks for July 4th), and chocolate cake. And I had a little bit of everything. Screw the LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET. (At least temporarily.)

Furry Family - I got to hang out with Sadie, the bat dog. (Look at those ears.)

Sweet Sadie with her "what's going on" ear pose

Fireworks - I watched a really good small-town fireworks show with my two favorite people on the planet (Mom & Dad).

Film - We saw "The Lone Ranger". It's a great movie. I definitely recommend it. (I wish I had a picture of Johnny Depp to insert here.)

Friends - I drove on to Midland, Texas for an annual get together with a college friend and some new friends.
Front row center. Best seats in the house.

Food, part 2 - Nachos at La Bodega.

Frivolity - Annual night at Summer Mummers, a West Texas institution since the 1940's. Cheesy melodrama with inside jokes about West Texas, jumbo margaritas and popcorn you buy just to throw at people.

Approx 1/5 of the popcorn we bought to throw.

Getting the popcorn out of, um, places during intermission.

Fan-girliness - I saw my favorite author Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess  www.thebloggess.com) at Summer Mummers. Could barely form complete sentences when I told her that I read her stuff and asked to get a picture with her.

I wish I'd had a taxidermied ferret in 1980's parachute pants (or something similar) with me to give her as a gift.  No, that's not weird, at all. Read her book. You'll get it.

Food, part 3 - Took the long way back to Lubbock to stop at Buddy's Drive In, Andrews, Texas (where I grew up) to have the world's most amazing steak fingers.

Finally - As in "finally home".

I hope your weekend was as wonderfully F'ed up as mine was. Cheers!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Prevent Those Pesky Leeks With Tampax and a Little Proof-reading

These are leeks. 

Scary little buggers, aren't they?

According to this delightful ad, we can buy Tampax at Walmart to get up to 8 hours of Protection 
(yes, that's a capital P) 
from the horror of pesky leeks.

I feel safer already.

That is such a relief, because I don't really like leeks. 
I wonder how well they work on brussels sprouts?

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Goodbye, Kitty!

I'm not going to get a chance to get the window properly fixed anytime soon, so I have cat-proofed the car myself. With Hello Kitty tape because I do love me some irony.

Hello Kitty says "Goodbye, kitties!"

Monday, July 1, 2013

The Unintentional Cat Lady

The backseat driver's side window on my car has been jacked up for awhile now. It got off its track at some point and now it doesn't go all the way up. It leaves about a 3-inch gap, which can be bigger if you push down on it. I know I should get it fixed, but once I'm in the car, I don't even notice it and I usually have other things I'd rather be spending my time and money on....until now.

We had a rainy weekend last weekend and I didn't leave my apartment on Saturday even once. On Sunday I got out just long enough for my hair appointment. When I got to my car, I noticed right away that the messed up window was all the way down. Sometimes that happens when it gets wet or cold; it loses traction and falls. But then, when I opened the door to get in, there were cat hairs on the driver's seat! I got back out, looked at the roof and saw a bunch of muddy kitty prints on the roof. Some smart cat figured out how to open the back seat window wider and take shelter IN MY CAR.

My reaction was equal parts being irritated with myself and being amused. I would have loved to watch how exactly the cat figured out getting into the car. So, with that on my mind, I headed out for my haircut. During our chit chat time, I told my friend/hairdresser Kendall about my cat visitor and how I thought it was kinda funny. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: I had a cat stay in my car last night. It figured out how to open up the messed up window and get inside. I had cute little kitty paw prints all over the roof. Isn't that funny?

Kendall: It's funny until they have kittens in your car.

Me: Damn.

So, yeah. Going to have to get that window fixed. I'm already 40 and single, the last thing I need is a bunch of cats to complete the stereotype.