Thursday, May 30, 2013

Rooster For Breakfast

My friend James has a saying:

Did that person have rooster for breakfast? Because they sure are being cocky.

That saying is particularly applicable today for two reasons. First of all, I have been on the LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET for a full week now. I have had some grilled fish and a little bit of chicken, but ultimately more fruits and veggies than meat. I’ve cut out most of the sugar, too, but that surprisingly isn’t nearly as hard as quitting meat.

So yeah, I’m feeling a little cocky when I proudly say that I have nearly given up meat and I haven’t killed or injured (or even threatened or kill or injure) anyone in the process.  

But that may not last long and brings us to the second reason I’m thinking about James’s saying today. At work, we’re at that “fun” time right before the term begins when students should have their accounts settled for Summer I. Normally that means a lot of frantic (and some rude) calls to our office. But yesterday and today it has meant an unusually high number of exceptionally rude and brutal calls to our office. 

I don’t actually answer the calls (THANK GOD), but I because of where my cubicle is, I get to hear them. It has become standard behavior for students and parents to call and insult and yell at the billing office when they can’t pay for the classes they signed up for. That’s kinda like buying a Honda then yelling at the bank that gave you the loan when they expect you to start paying for it. Ridiculous. 

Anyway, one parent called our employee stupid when she gave an answer that the parent didn’t like. (It was the correct answer.) Another student told us we were denying her human rights by not allowing her to run up her bill by enrolling in Summer classes, when she hadn’t finished paying for the previous term. (Going to college is a privilege, not a right.)  Too many complained about the expense. (If you think it’s too expensive, go somewhere else.) And I lost count of the ones that used obscenities.

These people have definitely been eating their rooster for breakfast. Sour, spoiled rooster. They aren’t just cocky in an arrogant, braggart kind of way. They’re cocky in an abusive, the-rules-don’t-apply-to-me kind of way. The worst part is that these people are in these unpleasant situations because of their own actions, or more likely, inaction. They’re mad at us when they should be mad at themselves. And I bet none of them have ever worked in a call center. 

I know that we all internally have that feeling of “I’m special. I’m different than everyone else.” It’s a healthy attitude to have. As an only child, I probably have it more than most. But that feeling or attitude should never make us act the way these people do. 

So, that brings me back to the whole “eating rooster for breakfast” thing.  I’ve said “I haven’t killed or injured (or even threatened or kill or injure) anyone in the process” of cutting out meat. I feel like there is an unspoken “yet” at the end of that sentence. Listening to those people makes we want to respond like those people. And that means that I need to give up one more thing. Sigh. No meat, no sugar, and now no more rooster for breakfast.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My eMail Is Mocking Me

I survived day number one  of the LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET yesterday. I reflected on it a little before I went to bed. It wasn't that bad, but I told myself "it will probably get harder before it get easier." I hate to brag (no, I love to brag),  but I was right. It got MUCH harder REALLY fast.

Oddly enough, checking my email has turned out to be the scariest part of this LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET. My email was full of "great offers"...

Image there are screen shots of emails from restaurants here.
I deleted the screen shots from my Google + pics.
That deleted the pics from the blog.
Shit. Live and learn, I guess.

I tried to get unsubscribed from these emails. But they all wanted me to go to their websites to "change my preferences" or "tell us why you're leaving." That doesn't SOUND like a big deal...until I actually got to the websites and saw even more pictures of things like Meat Lovers' Pizza and Chocolate Lava Cakes and free delivery of diabetes with minimum purchase.

And then, I got the reminder email for food day at work. Three weeks ago I signed up to bring hotdogs. I could have signed up for a fruit or veggie tray, or even salsa which is relatively healthy. But no, I signed up to bring the one thing I'm not supposed to eat.

In case you're wondering, I brought the damn dogs. I even got the good kind (if there is such a thing). I also brought a LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN meal for myself.

Hopefully, despite office food day, my LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET day two will go as smoothly as day one. I'm going to do my best to ignore the cookies that someone brought for dessert. By the end of the day I may be craving meat so bad I'll talk about "slaughtering a cow." Or I might just be cranky and say stupid things like "I'm gonna kill that heifer." Just to clarify, while those two things sound similar, one is what a butcher does, the second is what a bitcher does. Guess which one I am.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Carnivorous Vegetarian

So, this morning I had a horrible moment where I remembered EVERYTHING that the doctor and I discussed when I went in last week to have my throat de-strepped. You see, my regular doc was unavailable, so I saw another guy. He was younger, looked alot like Richie Cunningham to be honest. But he wasn't just younger, he was thorough. He didn't just treat the strep throat. He looked at my medical history. And he said four words to me. Four little words that I blocked from my mind until I was finally over the strep throat. Those four words?

LOW. SUGAR. VEGETARIAN. DIET. (yes, all caps. Because they practically scream themselves at me when I think them.)

Oh dear. I told him that I know I need to eat healthier and get more exercise, I've heard the lecture a million times. I even manage to do it for awhile now and then. But LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET? That seems a little drastic. He countered with my family history of stroke, heart disease and diabetes. Well, ya. There's that. Then he pointed out how many times I've been in the office for gastric distress. "You seem to throw up alot." Well, ya. There's that, too. His diagnosis? If I'm not already diabetic, I'm a about to be...and my body probably can't process all the processed food that I eat since I don't have a gall bladder and I'm not 17 years old anymore. A LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET would fix that. Maybe the puking would stop.

Why did I remember this part of the conversation this morning? Because I woke up puking today. That's why. I missed a close friend's graduation today. That's why. Damn, Richie Cunningham might actually have a point. A LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET could be a good thing. Assuming I actually liked vegetables. I can handle iceberg lettuce, red cabbage, raw carrots and squash. That's it. (I'm excited already.)

So, I started my LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET with dinner after work today. I went to our fancy schmancy new Market Street and I bought a Cobb salad. It had grilled chicken and bacon bits, but it was mostly lettuce and cabbage. Baby steps, people. Baby steps. And for dessert, I had a small angel food "shell" and strawberries. No yummy sugary strawberry syrup, no whipped cream or cool whip. Just fruit and bread. And it was actually pretty good.

To make eating this LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN-ISH DIET more pleasant, I ate it in the fancy deli at the fancy schmancy grocery store. I took my iPad so I looked like all the other cool kids. And like a total social media dork, I took a picture.

Image there is a picture of a salad, a carton of strawberries and my iPad here.
I deleted the screen shots from my Google + pics.
That deleted the pics from the blog.
Shit. Live and learn, I guess.

Real vegetarians would see this picture and think "Yummy. Salad and fresh strawberries." I see this pic and think "Wow. I really need to clean the iPad screen."

I don't think I'll ever be able to embrace a LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET. But I can totally get behind not puking so much. And I did think to ask the doctor one important question and got an answer that didn't make me freak out. The answer was two little words. A food I can eat (in moderation). Two little words that might make this doable. 


Monday, May 20, 2013

Fever Dreams

The experts, whoever they are, say that everybody dreams. They say that not everybody remembers their dreams, but they DO dream.

I remember my dreams. Some are scary. Others end with me waking up walking through my living room (I walk and talk in my sleep.)  Sometimes my dreams are AWESOME (like the one where I could FLY like Neo in the Matrix) and some are just plain weird. In fact, most of them are weird.

The latest dream is not just weird. It's uber weird. Weird squared. Weird-tacular. You see where I'm going with this....See, from Thursday through Sunday of last week, I was home with strep throat. Yes, I am 40-year-woman who got sick with a kids' malady. Whatever. For four days I was miserable, medicated and feverish. Imagine the dreams that come from that combination.

On the last day of strep throat misery, my mom called to check on me. She then proceeded to tell me how she and Dad had just seen Star Trek: Into Darkness and how awesome it was. She really close to giving major spoilers, but stopped herself. Once we were off the phone, I went online to watch the Star Trek trailer. And then I watched a few more, including The Internship where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson go work at Google. Finally, I crawled into bed.

Then the dream started. In it, I was working at Google. The Google offices looked remarkably like the Starship Enterprise, down to the technology. The building was a "smart" building. It would pick up a signal from a chip on your nametag and tell you on the omnipresent display screens where you were supposed to go. The only problem was that every time it started telling me where I was supposed to be, someone else would walk up and it would cut off before telling me anything useful. Without direction, I pretty much just wandered around.

I saw lots of people in my wandering, though. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were, sadly, nowhere to be seen. But George Takei was there, drinking tea and making insane comments, which means he was living his Facebook page. Simon Pegg was there, but he just told me to get the hell out of his office - in the most Scotty way possible. Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family was filming a commercial. When they wrapped the commercial, Jean Luc Picard (aka Patrick Stewart) said, "make it so." And then my boss, my real life boss, was there. And she said she wasn't feeling well. And she threw up on me. And then I woke up.

If anyone is into dream analysis, I'd love for you to give this a one shot. The comments section is exactly for this kind of thing.

Today, I'm back at work and fever free. And staying the hell away from my boss.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I'm Gonna Make Kyra Famous

Happy Wednesday, y'all! 

Yesterday I was so proud of myself for creating my own meme. And by "my own meme" I mean I made it and shared it, but I'm probably the only one who actually saw it. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

But then I remembered that the best memes are the ones that have multiple variations. (On a side note, says that "deviations" is a synonym for "variations".)

Here is the first of my deviations:

Now, I challenge you to start your own meme. (It's harder than you think.) Share it with someone. Share it with me. Deviate. Repeat.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Book Club Orphans

Apparently the best way to recruit for a book club is to blog about it. And to use the word "WINE" as many times as possible. We have recruited 6 or 7 people since my rant yesterday.

On a related-ish note, my Goodreads feed told me that my friend Lori started reading Game of Thrones (which I highly recommend despite the fact that it is about eleventy-billion pages long). I had a moment to think that she will really love it and get hooked and read all of the books back-to-back-to-back-to-you-get-the point... Then I had a moment to doubt her dog Kyra will appreciate that. So, I asked Lori to send me some pictures of Kyra looking sad or pitiful, without telling Lori what they were for. Here's what they were for:

I've always wanted to start my own meme. By "always" I really mean "since the time a student assistant explained to me what a meme is." Even if no more than 4 people ever see it, I feel like I've accomplished something.

Back to the point...Do I feel guilty that starting a book club means my friends will spend time away from their pets and children, making said pets and children book club orphans (kinda like football widows, but more pathetic)? No, because my friends need time to talk to other adults and living creatures that can actually talk back. And they need to drink wine (or technically margaritas because the first meeting is at a Mexican food restaurant).  And because I need time with my friends. Balls don't throw themselves; books don't discuss themselves. Our favorite activites are always better when we share them with others.

So thank you to Kyra and all the other book club orphans for loaning me your people for awhile.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Reading While Intoxicated

My friend Bev and I have decided to start a book club. I announced it on Facebook and got lots of "likes" but no actual requests to join the club. I realize now that I should have been more specific on just how awesome this book club will be. So here is my new Facebook post that will go out today to get members:

Bev and I want to start a wine drinking and book reading club. We'll pick a book each month. It will be historical fiction, or a mystery or a mildly cheesy romance, or humorous non-fiction. It WILL NOT be anything from Oprah's book club or anything sad, depressing or political. I don't want to have to up my meds. When we meet to discuss the book there will be wine. LOTS OF WINE. We may actually discuss the book. We may not. We will not judge how much or how little group members read and/or drink. Just don't spill on my books and do plan for a designated driver.

I've even created original artwork for the group using one of my favorite quotes ever.

I expect group membership to flourish with this expanded definition of the group. Now I just need to find a way to smuggle wine into Barnes and Noble. This is the best option so far: