Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Bumbling Through Bumble, Part 4: These profile pics are worth a thousand dirty words

I really wish I’d gone into this Bumble experiment with the “screenshot everything” mindset. Because holy hells bells. I am self-aware enough to know that not only am I the most far-from-perfect person on the planet, I am also a walking/talking hot mess of sarcasm-masked insecurity. But at least I can pick a decent prolife picture. Unlike these guys…

One guy actually used a wedding photo in his profile. FROM HIS OWN WEDDING.

One only put pictures of his kids. No pictures of himself, just the kids. I’m sure those little rug rats are the most wonderful and well-behaved children in the world*, but is he trying to attract a pedophile?

One guy’s main profile pic was of a 90-ish year old lady who looked like she’d survived the Hunger Games. I assume she was his grandma or something, and I’m sure she’s lovely (assuming she’s still alive), but she’s definitely not my type.

And the muscle heads. Geez. These are the guys whose only profile pictures are the “shirtless in the gym bathroom mirror” kind. (I know it’s the gym bathroom because I used to be a Planet Fitness member, so I recognize that bathroom tile.) Do they have ANY other interests? I mean, there’s more to life than working out and getting tattoos. (I don’t have anything against tattoos, don’t send me hate emails.)

But the worst, the very worst ones were the Patagonia/Northface guys. You know the ones. Guys whose every picture is them hiking, climbing mountains, snow skiing…and running the occasional marathon. I really need Bumble to have a filter that not only looks at age and miles apart, but also sorts out dudes by interest in outdoor activities. I AM AN INDOOR CAT.

I haven’t given up yet. I’m still checking that stupid app every day. For the last three days I have had no matches. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Part of me is disappointed and hurt. The other part of me is thinking, “whew. Another day of not having to socialize and trying to act like a normal person. That was a close one.”  

In an effort to improve my results, I have changed my search settings. I bumped up the search criteria to include guys up to 52 years old. Maybe I’ll find a guy with an AARP discount. Stay tuned.


*Sarcasm. There is no such thing. Much like Sasquatch or comfortable high heels. 

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Bumbling Through Bumble, Part 3: Single Bells, Single Bells, Single all the way…aka…The Post-Holiday Update

This year I asked Santa to bring me a boyfriend for Christmas. He didn’t. He brought me Olay cream that “corrects the seven signs of aging.” Santa is kind of a jerk. (I do really like the cream, though.)

Wow. This is a new record. I have gotten off topic before I even got on topic. Which is...

Despite what all those uber-cheesy Hallmark holiday movies imply, finding a guy at Christmas isn’t easy. There was no snow for me to get my car stuck in to then have the hunky local tow-truck driver come rescue me literally and romantically. I didn’t go to the grocery store and reach for the last box of hot chocolate at the very moment that the hunky local veterinarian reached for it, leading to the moment we share the hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire at his (non-creepy) cabin in the woods. And there certainly wasn’t some wacky mix up where the hunky local councilman thinks I’m a visiting princess and falls in love with me, and yet still loves me even when he realizes I’m just a regular gal. None of that. And, seriously, who at Hallmark thinks up this crap?

So, since my life is more like a National Lampoon’s flick than a Hallmark movie, I maintained vigilance over my Bumble profile for the duration of the Christmas/New Year holiday. I even got a few new matches.

One guy seemed pretty awesome until he just suddenly disappeared from my messages. He totally unmatched himself with me. WTF? I didn’t even say anything inappropriate to him, which we all know is a freaking miracle.

And then there was the guy who didn’t seem to understand that I was spending the holiday with my family and therefore couldn’t answer him immediately any time he messaged me. Not that I would have anyway. Strangely, the slower I responded, the more eager he got to hear from me. “Are you still there? Am I interrupting something? I hope you’re still interested.” Geez, stalker much? I WAS interested…until I realized he was even more insecure than I am. If he’s like that now, imagine how needy he’d be if we were actually dating.

Finally, there was “Mr. Super Smartass.” Long story short, I wasn’t thinking about Bumble being GPS-based and how that would change the cities that my matches might come from since I traveled during the holiday. I just assumed he was from Lubbock and started chatting about something Lubbock-specific. (I can’t remember what it was now, and since he also unmatched me after I called him a super smartass, I can’t go back and look.) He thought I was rambling like a crazy woman. I figured out the problem, told him what it was, and he totally called me on being an idiot. Over and over. He had 6 or 7 snotty little one-liners. He was kind of a jerk…much like Santa.


So, yeah. That’s where I am on my search for romance. No holiday happily-ever-after, but I’m going to keep Bumbling through. I’m also going to make sure not to watch the Hallmark channel when Valentine’s Day comes around.