Saturday, July 9, 2016

I'm going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse if it kills me

There are three very well-documented facts that today's blog will be based on:


  1. I LOVE the zombie genre.
  2. I abso-freaking-lutely HATE to run. 
  3. Rule NUMBER ONE of Zombieland is CARDIO. Sigh.

The less-documented fact of today's blog is that I have recently-ish joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds. I have also started trying to get in more exercise. Sigh.

I hate exercise. Every part of it, but especially running. Seriously, if God had wanted us to constantly run, he wouldn't have made us smart enough to invent the car. But I digress.

I belong to a gym. Technically, I have belonged to a gym for almost two years now. I wish that counted for something, anything....but I haven't been going regularly except for the last couple of months, which miraculously coincide with my healthy eating and weight loss. Anyway, I've been walking on the treadmill and doing the stationary bike...and Googling the best exercise for fat burning. You wanna know the best way to burn fat? The "experts" say to alternate speeds between walking and running. Well, damn. 

So I started running. Not much, mind you, because I'm still an overweight, middle-aged woman with big boobs. But I have mastered* alternating running for one minute and walking for three minutes. There's a method to the 1 minute run/3 minute walk madness. See, I can only run for about 45 seconds before I feel like I'm going to die, but I can manage to push myself to make it a full 60 seconds. (Sad, I know.) And then, it takes about three minutes until my breathing is back into "no, I promise I'm not having a heart attack in your gym" range.

So what does this have to do with my love of zombies, you ask, as if you actually cared. Well, I've found the one thing that actually helps me make it through each 60 seconds of agony. My mantra to give my torture purpose.

I WON'T BE THE FIRST TO DIE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
I WILL SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
ZOMBIES CAN'T CATCH ME.

I WON'T BE THE FIRST TO DIE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
I WILL SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
ZOMBIES CAN'T CATCH ME. **

I still hate to run, but I'm imagining Rick Grimes waiting for me at the finish line (wherever that may be, hopefully not in Georgia.)

*mastered = managed to not die while
** I wonder how many other gym members run with this in mind?

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