You know how parents always throw their kid's first few birthday parties on the EXACT date? Like, "little (insert-hipster-baby-name-here) was born on February 11, so her birthday party is going to be on February 11. We don't care if February 11 is a Wednesday and you have to work the next day and you live four hours away. We're celebrating her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY."
But then, as the kid gets older, they chill a little, and just make sure to have the party the weekend immediately before or after the little hipster's birthday. And this is what I want Americans to start doing for our country's birthday.
For starters, the actual name of the holiday is Independence Day; not "The 4th of July." July 4th is just the day we celebrate it. Why are we so set on July 4th? I want us to celebrate Independence Day on the first Monday of July, whether that falls on the 4th or not.
Why? Well, like everything else, it's all about me. I want to get a 3-day weekend every year. With Independence Day set as the first Monday in July, that's a guarantee. But July 4th? That can hit on any day of the week. Random Wednesdays off for celebrating are nice, but 3-day weekends are AWESOME.
Why else? In addition to a 3-day weekend, I want to get some freaking sleep. I suggest we get a 3-day weekend and designate Sunday as the night to do fireworks, so we have Monday to sleep in. This brilliant idea came to me after I listened to my neighbors pop firecrackers for the FIFTH night in a row last night. Last night was July 5th. There's no crying in baseball and there's no excuse for fireworks on July 5th.
So, what I'm saying is, after 240 years, I'm pretty sure America is grown up enough that we don't have to celebrate her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY.
And that my neighbors suck.