Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I speak Texan, y'all.

Three weeks ago i dropped my phone and broke its spirit. Or its screen. Po-tay-to/po-tah-to. Whatever. I waited awhile to get a new phone because I technically could do everything on my tablet. And because I didn't want to pay then $150 due EVEN THOUGH I HAD INSURANCE . But that's a rant for another day. 

Anyway, I FINALLY got my new phone today and had to call Verizon to get it activated. The Verizon rep was walking me through set up and got a little tickled listening to me talk to myself as I completed the steps. "Oh man. I'm going to have to retrain a phone to my personal vocabulary." With a chuckle, he asked, "Oh?" And I said, "yeah, I'm from Texas where 'queso' and 'Aggies' are everyday words."

He tried to hide it, but I heard him snort. Made my day.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

May the oranges be ever in your favor...

Every time the Simply Orange commercial with Donald Southerland's voice comes on, I think, "I CAN'T BUY ORANGE JUICE FROM PRESIDENT SNOW!"

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Cussing at the holy rollers

Last night I unintentionally cussed at a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. They were going door-to-door in my complex ringing doorbells and sharing the good news. In the process, they riled up every dog in the neighborhood, particularly the two that live on either side of me. By the time they got to me, the dog in unit G was practically banging the door down trying to get to them (to lick and snuggle them to death, he's a big sweet puppy). When I opened my door, they said "it must be really noisy living here with all those dogs" and my automatic, no-filter response was "They just go ape shit when they hear the doorbells." Oops. Now that evangelists know that I'm a foul-mouthed heathen, they'll probably be back every week to save me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Post-birthday reflection

Yesterday was my birthday. As far as birthdays go, it was a pretty good one, at least for me...but others seemed to be put off by it. 
I don't understand why some people are so uncomfortable with age. Yesterday at the campus event I attended, I was asked "how does it feel to be 25?" I responded that "I don't remember because I celebrated a lot harder in those days, but 44 feels pretty awesome." In the same conversation someone else said "You can just be 29 again." WHY? I'm 44. More than a couple of people seemed to honestly recoil at me saying 44, like it's a dirty word. (And yet, they don't recoil when I say actual dirty words. And I do that. More than I should.)
I'M 44 Y'ALL. I have survived broken hearts and broken bones, car loans and car crashes. I have killed approximately two dozen goldfish and three dozen hair dryers. I have family and friends that keep me sane, despite the fact that I am an absolutely crazy (but generally-happy) person. All because I've lived 44 years. Not just 25. Not just 29. 44, y'all.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: The Secret Life of Pets

Sunday's Movie Church flick was The Secret Life of Pets. It was a pretty close vote this week: the ladies all voted for Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates, but in a surprise twist, EVERY guy voted for the family-friendly choice. I'm sure there are women in the world whose ovaries would practically explode over guys who choose family fare over adult comedy. My tens of readers know that I am NOT one of those women. Give me dirty jokes and Zac Efron's 24-pack, dammit!

Begrudgingly, I will admit that, while not my first choice, The Secret Life of Pets was actually pretty good. At one hour and 46 minutes, it hits that sweet spot of not being so short that I felt cheated, and not so long that I lost interest or had to test my bladder's elasticity. And, it's 1:46 was good enough to keep the gaggles of children engaged the whole time. Well-played, Illumination Entertainment. Well-played indeed. 

Pets gets an A. Even without Zac Efron's abs, it gets an A. 

And now, my random thoughts during the movie...


  • Minions animated short?!? Yes, please! I love Minions! 
  • That was so good! Bet the movie doesn't live up to the Minions.
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. *
  • I recognize that dog's owner's voice, but just can't place it. **
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. Although it sounds remarkably like the sheep from Zootopia. ***
  • I recognize that cat's voice, but just can't place it. ****
  • I love this dog Gidget. She's feisty.
  • And Gidget watches telenovelas. We're soul sisters!
  • That's Jaime Camil's voice in the animated telenovela!
  • Of course I can't recognize the (most-likely) American voices, but immediately pick out the guy from Univision.
  • Kevin Hart! That bunny is definitely Kevin Hart.
  • RIP, Ricky!
  • I concede that this movie isn't sucking.
  • NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN IN THE SOUNDTRACK?!? AWESOME!
  • I recognize that bird's voice, but just can't place it.*****
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. ******
  • I love this Pops dog. No quit in him.
  • Okay, I'll admit this movie is actually pretty good. 
  • Action, action, save the day, yada yada.
  • I loved this movie. There, I said it. It's an A. 
  • Dang, slow those credits down! Some people actually watch/read them!
  • I still wanna see Mike & Dave.



*Louis CK
**Ellie Kemper
*** Jenny Slate
**** Steve Coogan
*****Albert Brooks
******Dana Carvey



Saturday, July 9, 2016

I'm going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse if it kills me

There are three very well-documented facts that today's blog will be based on:


  1. I LOVE the zombie genre.
  2. I abso-freaking-lutely HATE to run. 
  3. Rule NUMBER ONE of Zombieland is CARDIO. Sigh.

The less-documented fact of today's blog is that I have recently-ish joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds. I have also started trying to get in more exercise. Sigh.

I hate exercise. Every part of it, but especially running. Seriously, if God had wanted us to constantly run, he wouldn't have made us smart enough to invent the car. But I digress.

I belong to a gym. Technically, I have belonged to a gym for almost two years now. I wish that counted for something, anything....but I haven't been going regularly except for the last couple of months, which miraculously coincide with my healthy eating and weight loss. Anyway, I've been walking on the treadmill and doing the stationary bike...and Googling the best exercise for fat burning. You wanna know the best way to burn fat? The "experts" say to alternate speeds between walking and running. Well, damn. 

So I started running. Not much, mind you, because I'm still an overweight, middle-aged woman with big boobs. But I have mastered* alternating running for one minute and walking for three minutes. There's a method to the 1 minute run/3 minute walk madness. See, I can only run for about 45 seconds before I feel like I'm going to die, but I can manage to push myself to make it a full 60 seconds. (Sad, I know.) And then, it takes about three minutes until my breathing is back into "no, I promise I'm not having a heart attack in your gym" range.

So what does this have to do with my love of zombies, you ask, as if you actually cared. Well, I've found the one thing that actually helps me make it through each 60 seconds of agony. My mantra to give my torture purpose.

I WON'T BE THE FIRST TO DIE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
I WILL SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
ZOMBIES CAN'T CATCH ME.

I WON'T BE THE FIRST TO DIE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 
I WILL SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
ZOMBIES CAN'T CATCH ME. **

I still hate to run, but I'm imagining Rick Grimes waiting for me at the finish line (wherever that may be, hopefully not in Georgia.)

*mastered = managed to not die while
** I wonder how many other gym members run with this in mind?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'd like to reschedule America's next birthday, okay?

You know how parents always throw their kid's first few birthday parties on the EXACT date? Like, "little (insert-hipster-baby-name-here) was born on February 11, so her birthday party is going to be on February 11. We don't care if February 11 is a Wednesday and you have to work the next day and you live four hours away. We're celebrating her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY."

But then, as the kid gets older, they chill a little, and just make sure to have the party the weekend immediately before or after the little hipster's birthday. And this is what I want Americans to start doing for our country's birthday.

For starters, the actual name of the holiday is Independence Day; not "The 4th of July." July 4th is just the day we celebrate it. Why are we so set on July 4th?  I want us to celebrate Independence Day on the first Monday of July, whether that falls on the 4th or not. 

Why? Well, like everything else, it's all about me. I want to get a 3-day weekend every year. With Independence Day set as the first Monday in July, that's a guarantee. But July 4th? That can hit on any day of the week. Random Wednesdays off for celebrating are nice, but 3-day weekends are AWESOME.

Why else? In addition to a 3-day weekend, I want to get some freaking sleep. I suggest we get a 3-day weekend and designate Sunday as the night to do fireworks, so we have Monday to sleep in. This brilliant idea came to me after I listened to my neighbors pop firecrackers for the FIFTH night in a row last night. Last night was July 5th. There's no crying in baseball and there's no excuse for fireworks on July 5th.  

So, what I'm saying is, after 240 years, I'm pretty sure America is grown up enough that we don't have to celebrate her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY. 

And that my neighbors suck.  

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: The Legend of Tarzan

Every week, the nerds vote for what we want to see that week for Movie Church. It was a close one this time, with The Legend of Tarzan barely beating out Finding Dory...and thank goodness, because I KNOW Dory would have had me in tears the whole time.

Tarzan was long-ish at 1 hour and 50 minutes. It didn't have a lot of hype leading up to it's premiere in theaters, which really surprised me, considering the pretty impressive cast: Alexander Skarsgard (Erik from True Blood...maybe not an impressive actor, but he has impressive abs), Margot Robbie (from Wolf of Wall Street, soon to be Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad), Samuel L. Jackson (from everything, muthafuckas), two-time Oscar winner Christoph Waltz (from Django Unchained), and Djimon Hounsou (who will forever be the guy in the Janet Jackson video to me). 

This wasn't the greatest Tarzan movie ever, but it wasn't the worst one, either. I enjoyed it. I give it a solid B.

****

The random thoughts that ran through my head while watching The Legend of Tarzan:

We're not starting the movie with Tarzan?!?

Ah, finally! Tarzan. Yummo.

He was in the scene nearly 5 minutes before he said a single word. Oh, his British accent sucks. 

Samuel L. Jackson's hair. Oh my.

Samuel L. Jackson's plaid pants. Oh my.

Margot Robbie is really, really pretty. 

What's that she just said about hippos? I bet we see that in action later. 

Alexander and Margot make a really attractive couple, like from a Nazi master race poster. I bet they'd make beautiful babies, if they had any chemistry.

Tarzan has more chemistry with that lion than he does with Jane.

Jungle. Fights. Yadda yadda.

Our friend Shelly would like to point out that gorillas can't really swing through the trees like that. This Shelley would like to point out that Tarzan has a 12-pack.

That uber-low waist on Tarzan's trousers can't be historically accurate. Thank goodness the costume designer pandered to my preference.

GONG! (That's the sound of me knocking the metal popcorn bowl onto the ground.)

Fight, fight, fight. The bad guy gets what he deserves. Tarzan gets the girl. Again.


What were your thoughts on The Legend of Tarzan? Do you agree with my grade? Let me know in the comments below.


 


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Summer Of Trying New Things...UPDATED

I need to shake things up. Be more spontaneous. Be adventurous. Be BOLD. And so I have declared Summer 2016 to be "The Summer Of Trying New Things" or TSOTNT for short.

You see, trying new things stresses me out. I'm that girl who always orders the same sandwich when I eat at Subway (turkey, ham, cheese, mayo). I've worn my hair in more or less the same style for the last fifteen years. I still listen to the "hits of the 80s" channel in 2016! But it's time to leave that comfort zone.

TSOTNT officially started about three weeks ago...with, uh, mixed results. 

New thing #1: flirted shamelessly with a guy 20 years younger than me. FUN. So fun. Good for the ego...until he stopped flirting back.

New thing #2: Got my old man-looking eyebrows waxed. Made the gal promise me that she wouldn't leave me looking like I'm constantly surprised. 


eyebrows totally on geek


New thing #3: Survived the eyebrow wax, so decided to go all in for the leg wax. I managed to not drop an F-bomb in the salon. Hurt like a mother...but worth it. I think. 

New thing #4: Decided to try at-home chemical treatment on my "skin abnormalities" like the mole in the picture above and the one on the tip of my nose. Sigh. I read and Googled and researched. NO WHERE did it warn me it would make my skin look like this:

Those aren't pale concealer spots on my nose and cheek. They're my new sexy spots.

UPDATE: a few hours later, my nose looks like I used sandpaper on it. Sexy.

does this make my nose look fat?


I don't know what I'll try next. Roast beef at Subway? Listening to music made after 2004? Flirting with a man my own age? (I'm not sure I know any single men my age. If you are or if you know a single man who is 40-45ish, please let me know!) Any other suggestions?

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: X-Men: Apocalypse

My nerd friends and I got up early again for a movie and I have this to say: Nerds everywhere, rejoice! The latest X-Men movie is out and it's really good. 

X-Men: Apocalypse is LONG. As in 2 hours and 23 minutes long, so you might stay away from the jumbo soda if you've got a small bladder. But, it doesn't FEEL that long. It seems like it went by in a flash. If you're a superhero movie fan, GO SEE THIS MOVIE. This is pretty high praise from me because the X-Men are my favorite characters out of the Marvel Comics world, but the X-Men haven't always been my favorite superhero movies. FOX just can't make a Marvel movie the way Marvel can, until now. This one gets an A.

And now, my random thoughts during X-Men: Apocalypse  (because we all know that's what you're really here for):

Some of these might be considered spoilers, so you know, be warned.

  • Poe Dameron without his head full of lush hair and as the bad guy? Boo!
  • So THAT'S why Storm has white hair.
  • Professor Xavier looks pretty good in 80's clothes, and with a head full of lush hair.
  • I'm really obsessing over the hair.
  • Magneto as a blue-collar iron worker? Yummy. 
  • Michael Fassbender is yummy no matter what. Even in the Assassin's Creed trailer. Yummy.
  • Pay attention.
  • Oh, the 80s. I miss the clothes and hair. 
  • Jennifer Lawrence is just beautiful.  That hairstyle looks really good on her. 
  • Seriously, what's with my hair obsession today?
  • Psylocke...she gets to make out with Aaron Rodgers.
  • I love Hank McCoy. Just a nice guy. With a hairy blue problem.
  • Sansa Stark does a pretty good American accent.
  • Angel is working that 80s rock star hair.
  • I want to be Jennifer Lawrence.
  • I love Michael Fassbender (see above) but he's really too young for the role. Auschwitz was 40 years before, the character was 12 or so at Auschwitz. That would make him 52 or so. Maybe he just ages slowly....
  • Quicksilver is stealing the show again. 
  • They got Nightcrawler a Michael Jackson jacket. Sweet!
  • Stan Lee's cameo was kinda dull. 
  • WOLVERINE!
  • Ah, he's starting to fall in love.
  • Destruction.  Mayhem.  Yada. Yada.
  • And the Professor loses that gorgeous hair. Sad day.
  • But he gets his love. I think. 
  • Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I'm such a sap. Where are the napkins? I've got something in my eye.
  • Nightcrawler is giving Quicksilver some competition for the role of Chief Scene Stealer.
  • I can't believe they're doing it AGAIN. Every X-Men movie tells us: The good guys win because they work together. (And in this one because Sansa Stark is pretty damn scary.)
  • Psylocke sneaking away to make out with her quarterback. I would, too.
  • Ah, the gang's all togther, training with tough love from Mystique.
  • Chit chat during the world's longest credits, to watch a minute of post-credits video to get us excited for the next Wolverine movie. Like I need a clip for that. Hugh Jackman is the yummiest of all. And he's got GREAT hair.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: The Nice Guys

This week's "sermon" at Movie Church was The Nice Guys. Normally, there are four or five folks that show up for our Sunday morning movie. This time, there were just two of us, and I really feel bad for the suckers that missed this movie.

The Nice Guys clocked in at 131 minutes. Normally, I'm not a fan of non-superhero movies that run over the two-hour mark, but this one didn't FEEL long, so I'll let it slide. I didn't really think Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling would work well together, but they do. I'm not a fan of most Ryan Gosling movies, even though I concede that he is an unnaturally attractive man. I was really worried he'd bring down the quality a Russell Crowe movie usually brings, but he held his own. Ryan, well done. I apologize for doubting you. Thanks to you (and Russell, of course), I give The Nice Guys a solid A.

And now, my random thoughts while watching The Nice Guys:

  • Is that the nerdy kid from Jurassic World.
  • Ryan Gosling actually looks GOOD in 1970's clothes.
  • Russell Crowe with reading glasses? God, we're getting old.
  • It's weird watching a time before cell phones. I bet directors love it though...no having to come up with excuses why the character's phones don't work.
  • Russell Crowe is definitely not Maximus the gladiator anymore. 
  • This movie makes 1977 seem SO LONG AGO, but I was alive in 1977, so...
  • Geez, I'm old.
  • Ryan Gosling is really good at physical comedy. 
  • This was ultimately a whodunit, and I'm not sure I understand whodunit. But I don't even care. 


Saturday, May 21, 2016

An open letter to graduating college seniors

Dear New College Graduate,

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! Graduating from college is a big freaking deal. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't. 

Now that the congratulations are out of the way...

Every year around this time, every hack writer with a blog gives new college graduates like you advice for the "real world." (If you ask me, college is just as real as the "real world," it just has a more relaxed dress code, but no one asked me.) Not to be left out, I'm going to join the prestigious (now that I'm on it) list of writers who give advice. I'm just going to do it by giving you the same advice you heard four or five (maybe even six) years ago when you graduated high school...with a few small changes.

1. Don't worry if you don't know what you want your major to be = DON'T WORRY IF THE FIRST JOB YOU TAKE ISN'T YOUR DREAM JOB

There a million majors to choose from. Same with jobs. No matter what job you're in you're going to gain work experience that can help you get the job of your dreams down the road. It may turn out that it IS your dream job and you just don't know it yet. If not, just think of it as an elective that helped broaden your horizons and even gave you a paycheck.

2. Don't change your major every semester = DON'T CHANGE JOBS EVERY SIX MONTHS

No job you get will be perfect. Maybe that first job really isn't your dream job. Stick it out for at least a year if you can. Maybe even the second job you take isn't a good fit either. Stay there for a year, too. The reason is that If you can't or won't stay with any job for at a least a year, you'll start to become HR poison. It costs a company A LOT of money to hire and train an employee. Companies want to know you're worth the time and expense. That being said, if your job absolutely hurts your soul, or if another company comes to you with a great offer, then get the hell outta there!

3. Make friends with an upperclassman = IF YOUR COMPANY HAS A MENTORING PROGRAM FOR NEW EMPLOYEES,  TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT

When you start that new job, you're going to need someone to show you the ropes. If there's an official mentoring program, join it. You need the know-how, and management likes to see that their new employees are eager to learn. Because, believe it or not, you don't actually know everything when you finish college...despite how expensive your education was. 

If your company doesn't have a mentoring program, find your own mentor. Don't look for someone "cool." Look for the person who is respected by the company president AND the company janitor. 

After you've been at the company awhile, become a mentor yourself. There will be a new employee who needs you, and management will see you're invested in the company.

There are thousands of other pieces of advice I could give, but these three are the ones that I wish I'd figured out sooner. You're obviously smart (you graduated college AND read this blog), so I have no doubt you'll figure the rest out as you go. Or by reading some other lame blogger's stuff. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

The blog is back!


It turns out blogging is a lot like going to the gym. If you ever stop doing it, it's really hard to start back up. So, here I am, starting back up. Breaking a mental sweat. 

And I'm already mentally exhausted...so I'll make this first workout an easy one by letting you know what I've been up to for the last, um, eight months. I know my tens of readers are dying to know. 

Drum roll, please.............

I have been trying to have the best social life an anti-social person can possibly tolerate. AND IT'S WORKING.

First, I found some nerds. (The intelligent human kind, not the small candy kind.) To be clear, I totally consider myself a nerd, so there's no insult or judgment when I use the term. And really, nerds are the best. They're smart, funny, and super-inclusive. And they wear the coolest novelty t-shirts.

Anyway, the nerds and I have started Movie Church. (Please don't get your knickers in a twist over that name.) It's not an actual church service, obviously. It's a weekly Sunday morning meeting at the place that welcomes everyone and where nerds tend to feel very comfortable: THE MOVIES. We catch a flick (the nerdier the better - very often a superhero flick), have some popcorn, then stand around in the lobby and discuss it for a bit. Then we go on our happy ways. For me, my happy way involves going home for a nap. 

And that's it. I've spent eight months going to the movies. Oh, and going to work of course. I'm proud to report that I recently got my 10-year service pin. But mostly I've been going to the movies.

I'll be back soon. Promise. It's an easy promise because I'm also going to start going to the actual gym again, too. There's no doubt I'll have commentary about that to share.