Thursday, February 13, 2014

Beauty "don'ts" from the girl who did

Every now and then, my doctor’s office waiting room supplements all of the Golf Digest, Diabetes Today and AARP magazines with cool pubs like Cosmo and Glamour. When I was there for my last visit, I was in the waiting room for nearly two hours, so I had time to read the good stuff from cover to cover. I noticed that both Cosmo and Glamour had this season’s beauty “dos and don’ts.”  Granted, those editions in the waiting room were from the days when Sandra Bullock was “living the dream” with Jesse James and Justin Bieber had yet to commit a felony, so they technically weren’t THIS season’s “dos and don’ts,” but beggars can’t be choosers. And anyway, expired or not, they just wanted to help all of us look fabulous, dahling.

Anyhoo, I’m usually pretty willing to try out new beauty products, routines and fads...as long as they aren’t ridiculous, ridiculously expensive or ridiculously painful. I have yet to have enough positive results in my beauty experimenting to make a Cosmo-worthy list of beauty “dos,” but I have a pretty impressive (and embarrassing) list of “don’ts.” Such as:

DON’T: Drink 8 glasses of water to get that healthy skin glow unless you have convenient access to a bathroom and a significant toilet paper budget.

DON’T: Expect BB cream to be a one-product solution for you if you’re my age (over 40). For those who don’t know, BB cream is tinted face cream. Foundation and moisturizer in a single container! Sounds like a miracle product...and it would have been about 20 years ago when I didn’t have so many laugh lines, stress lines, scars and unexplainable splotches on my face. These days, it’s easier to just go to Home Depot for primer, Spackle and a gallon of Glidden Toasted Coconut.

DON’T: Waste your money on one of those No!No! hair remover things. It’s pretty much just a hot wire that burns off your hair and then solders the follicle shut. At least I can honestly say using the No!No! didn’t hurt. But then, the big red bumps made by the ingrown hairs under those sealed follicles weren’t necessarily soothing. I looked like I had chicken pox. I was sexier with hairy legs than No!No! legs.

DON’T: Buy skinny jeans unless you’re actually skinny. If you are actually skinny, go eat a sandwich.

DON’T: Buy really expensive nail polish to use on your toes if your boobs are big enough that you can’t really reach your toes without having to do some serious yoga moves.

DON’T: Put one of those blackhead-sucking pore strips on your nose and then start reading a mildly-smutty romance novel. Eight chapters and twelve ripped bodices later, you’ll remember the pore strip is still there, it will stick like you superglued it on, your neighbors will hear you cuss like a sailor as you peel it off, and your nose will look like you used your No!No! on it. (Or so I’ve heard.)

DON’T: Put self-tanning lotion on your feet. I love this stuff. It’s just about the only thing that keeps me from looking like a corpse during the summer. But, keep it off the tootsies, people. Sandals and flip flops will rub it off in weird places and make it look even darker in others. Soon, instead of having a golden glow, your feet will look like you’ve been playing in the dirt. (Clearly, this DON’T is a DO if you regularly play in the dirt.)

And finally…..

DON’T: Remove the hair from your arms. EVER. I’m not talking about your armpits. (Please, shave the pits, girls.) I’m talking about your actual arms. It may seem like a good idea one day, when some random old lady in Walmart touches the hair on your arms and freaks you out (long story); but it’s not a good idea. It will never be a good idea. If you start taking the hair off your arms, YOU CAN NEVER STOP… and not in the “no one can eat just one Lays potato chip” way. You can't stop, because if you do, your arms will be prickly ... like a cactus or Simon Cowell’s personality. And even if you manage to not shave or Nair for a while and make it through the cactus phase and get the hair on your arms back to it’s previous length, it will never ever lay down flat. It will stick out in every direction like you constantly have your fingers in a light socket. Seriously, not even conditioner will get it to cooperate. (Or so I’ve heard.)

I had to learn the hard way on these "don'ts." YOU can learn from my mistakes. Unless you have your own "don'ts" from personal experience. If so, feel free to share them in the comments section below. It's pretty obvious I need all the help I can get.

8 comments:

  1. If the first round of Nair doesn't remove all the hair, DO NOT immediately re-Nair that area. It will burn you. Badly.

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    1. Ouch. Why do so many of the "don'ts" involve hair removal? Who decided women shouldn't have body hair but men are allowed to keep theirs?

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  2. DON'T get a spray tan the night before you have to have one if you have never gotten one before. They could use the wrong color and you will look like an oompah loompah or worse snooki, and that shit is unattractive!

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    1. Note to self: Last year's Oompa Loompa costume would have been more authentic with a spray tan.

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  3. HAHAHAH...I love your don'ts.

    I have don'ts of my own...sometimes, it takes more than once for me to learn the lesson, though.

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    1. The lessons that take me more than once to learn usually involve men and/or home improvement projects.

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  4. OMG, Shelley, you crack me up. HMMM along the lines of hair removal, if the nail salon girl talks you into getting a lip wax 1) you will break out from the oil 4 days later and 2) it will grow back thick and you will have no choice but to keep doing it. There's my DON'T.
    I' sad that BB creams don't work, cause I just bought some. I have age spots--how did this happen?

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    1. Ooof. There's another DON'T right there: DON'T let a nail salon person do anything to your body but fix your nails/toenails.

      Right with ya on the age spots, friend. I need a cream that just bleaches them out instead of trying to cover them up. I may end up looking like a vampire or a Kabuki theater actor, but I at least wouldn't have these freaking spots!

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