Thanks to the internet, I’ve been thinking about my boobs. And Charles Darwin. And God. And what I would say if I could sit them both down for a little chat...which, I swear, is not as messed up as it sounds.
It all started when someone sent me a not-at-all-funny meme that said “You know you’ve got big boobs if washing the dishes gives you a backache.” I thought about it and realized, “yes, washing dishes DOES in fact, give me a backache. Now that I’ve acknowledged this, am I supposed to get the joke?” It was a seriously terrible meme; the artwork wasn’t even good, but whatever. For the purposes of today’s blog, we shall henceforth refer to this awful meme as EXHIBIT D.
Jump forward a couple of weeks. During the dark days of winter, aka the mid-season hiatus of The Walking Dead, I’ve been watching a lot of shows on the science-y channels to try to fill the zombie void. One of those science-y channels aired some shows about Evolution. They covered the basics, like how according to Darwin, physical traits that have promoted health/strength/longevity have been passed on to future generations, while traits that were detrimental eventually disappeared due to death by the weak and/or how selective mate-picking (the prehistoric equivalent of eHarmony) would mean the less desirables didn’t get lucky enough to pass on their DNA. And it got me to thinking….
Author’s note: At this point I feel the need to warn you that whether you’re a Creationist or an Evolutionist, you’ll probably think my theory of how we (and by “we” I mean humans) came to be what we are today is stupid and it might even piss you off since I don’t profess to know a lot about either Creationism or Evolution. Well, guess what...not knowing a lot about a topic has never stopped me from talking about a topic before. And there’s only like ten of you who read this blog anyway. And two of those ten are my parents. And I’ve probably already pissed the other eight of you off enough at some point that if you haven’t abandoned our friendship by now, this probably won’t scare you away. Suckers.
Anyway, I believe in Evolution BUT I also think that there is some higher power at work in the Universe as well. Let’s call my theory Create-volution. See, I have faith that God created the world, and his design was brilliant enough to allow for things (like us humans) to grow and change as the world around us grew and changed. And God knew that being human, we’d be curious; so he allowed us to evolve brains smart enough to figure out how some of his Divine plan works. Creation that begat Evolution. BOOM. (Now you either think I’m an idiot, an infidel, or your mind is totally blown by my genius...I’m going to assume you think I’m a genius because that’s just how I roll.)
So, back to my boobs...because really, they’re fabulous and a major part of this story. I’d been watching the Darwin show (or whatever it was called) about the time I got the housework-leads-to-pain meme...aka Exhibit D... and thought “hmmm, I wonder why big boobs that cause backaches haven’t been eradicated by evolution?” And then I saw a squirrel or something shiny and forgot all about deep Darwinist thoughts for awhile….
Until Twitter. Someone (and I really wish I could remember who) tweeted “A woman can only run as fast as her boobs will let her.” And I have to tell you that no truer words have ever been spoken, or tweeted. For the purposes of this discussion, we shall henceforth refer to the boobs-and-running statement as EXHIBIT DD.
It was Exhibit DD that brought my mind back to Darwin and the early days of man.
Picture this: early versions of man and woman (anthropology books tell us they were short and covered with hair, but don’t mention bust sizes) are chilling and living the cave life.
This is where the Creationists get pissed off at me and get all “they can’t be short and hairy because God made man in his own image.” Well, I’m not saying God didn’t make man in his own image. Who really knows what God’s image looked like a the dawn of time? I certainly wasn’t there. And it’s not like God was taking selfies for us to compare ourselves to, so I’m willing to take the leap of faith that maybe back then God didn’t look the way we look now. He could have been short and hairy and there’s not a single thing wrong with that. I’m just saying that we don’t look like that anymore because he made us able to change over time because he’s GOD and omnipotent. He’s smart enough to know that we were going to need to be able to adapt. (I would compare this to the American founding fathers creating a “living Constitution that can grow and change with the nation as the nation grows and changes”, but that’s the History channel and I don’t watch that one.) But I digress…
Back to our early men and women chilling and living the cave life…I’m not sure what early man is doing in this example, because really, who has ever known what men do when they wander off? But I bet early women were sweeping the cave, gathering berries and constantly having to pick up early man’s stinky leopard-skin footwear off the ground. If an early woman was a full-figured gal, doing all that meant her back probably hurt all the time. (Exhibit D in action). She might have even had trouble standing up straight, which ya know, is SO SEXY, because a crooked milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.) But, even if prehistoric breast-related scoliosis wasn’t enough to get her passed over by early man, getting chased by some prehistoric predator could have been a serious problem, because Exhibit DD tells us that a woman CAN ONLY RUN AS FAST AS HER BOOBS WILL LET HER. All the well-endowed cave chicks should have been eaten by Megalomonsters or Ancient Aliens (I LOVE THAT SHOW) if Darwin’s theory was universally accurate. Since women with big boobs still exist (let’s call me EXHIBIT SDJ), I take that as proof that Darwin clearly missed something big here (pun intended).
At this point my Evolutionist friends are preparing the “Shelley, clearly breasts are necessary. They’re not ever going to be replaced or removed by Evolution. That’s how female mammals feed their young. Duh.” My brilliant counterargument is that I didn’t say breasts aren’t necessary; only that LARGE breasts aren’t necessary. Small-chested women can breastfeed just as well as large-breasted women and they can run...I mean, probably not breastfeed and run at the same time, unless there was a pterodactyl swooping in...but you know what I’m getting at.” Then my Evolutionist friends would counter my counter with “well, men are attracted to large boobs, so they’re necessary for, ya know, survival of the species.” And because I’m the Queen of Awkward Moments, I then retort, “men who are interested in women are going to guarantee survival of the species, regardless. Big boobs (despite what adult cinema may imply) are not necessary for the bow chicka wow wow.” This is where my Evolutionist friends take a page from the Creationist faction and say a prayer...a prayer that I would just shut up.
Naturally, after hearing me argue with my Evolutionist friends, my Creationist friends are probably thinking they have the upper hand in convincing me that Evolution doesn’t work, but no. Because while large breasts seem to be man’s gift from God at woman’s expense, there is still enough evidence to back up the existence of Evolution. This website (http://listverse.com/2011/11/19/8-examples-of-evolution-in-action/) has some interesting examples. I’m not going to type them out and properly cite them MLA-style because I am EVOLVED...and lazy.
So now we’re back to where I started. Let's say I get a real opportunity to play the “if you could meet and talk to someone from history, who would it be” game. Naturally, I’d select (see what I did there?) God and Charles Darwin. I’d sit them down and ask them to finally explain to their separate factions that they’re both right; which then also makes me right. Then we’d chit chat about ourselves, and they’d probably take a moment to tell me how to do MY job because turnabout is fair play. To be honest I’d probably take job advice from God because of the whole omnipotent thing, but maybe not from Darwin. I mean, since he totally missed the whole big boobs deal in his Evolution theory, I’m not sure he could take me (and my big boobs) seriously and I’d probably spend the whole conversation reminding him, “HEY! My eyes are are up here!”