Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The numbers don't lie

You may be aware that there's a show on ESPN called "Numbers Don't Lie." Well, today the SJ network is hosting my own version of NNL.

1% = the amount of battery left on my phone when I got to work
8:47 am = the time that the battery completely died
2 = the number of charging cords in my bag
2 = the number of charging cords in my bag that are for tablets rather than phones
3 = the number of phone chargers I own
0 = the number of phone chargers that I actually brought to work
7 = my stress level on a 1-10 scale due to dead phone
0 = the actual number of phone calls I've probably missed today because no one actually calls anyone anymore
1 = what my stress level on a 1-10 scale SHOULD be based on approximate number of missed calls
23 = the estimated number of times you've nodded your head thinking "I've totally done that, too" while reading this post
2 = the number of minutes you wasted reading and sympathizing with this post
3 = the number of work days left until my Christmas break
3 = the minimum number of times I will reference my Christmas break again before Christmas
31 = the estimated number of people who will actually read this whole post
6 = the estimated number of people who will actually read this whole post and then never read my posts again


Monday, November 17, 2014

You "mustache" me about my profile picture. No Shave November and stuff.

I get a lot of questions about my profile picture. 






"Why do you have a mustache in your picture?"
"How come you haven't changed it back to a normal picture?"
"How do you get your mustache to look that great?"


I suppose it's understandable that people want to know why a woman would want to use a profile picture with a mustache. Most women (including myself) pay good money to NOT have mustaches, so it's definitely counter-intuitive.

So here's the (incredibly boring) scoop.


"Why do you have a mustache in your picture?"

I took the mustache picture during Movember, aka No Shave November, a couple of years ago to show my support for men's health research and disease prevention. I could have just stopped shaving my legs, but technically I had already stopped shaving my legs in October of that year when the weather started getting cool, so I felt like I needed to do more. Plus, nobody wants to see my hairy legs...except weirdos...and I'm not that desperate for a date.



"How come you haven't changed back to a normal picture?"

I haven't changed back to a "normal" picture because: a) we all know normal is relative. For me, that picture is actually pretty normal, and b) it cracks me up EVERY TIME I see it. When I get cracked up, I laugh (or least smile pretty big), and even WebMD will tell you laughter has some awesome health benefits.  So suddenly, my picture in support of men's health is now supporting my health. And as an only child, it's all about me. 


"How do you get your mustache to look that great?"

My mustache looks great because I downloaded it that way. Only the best for me. And it STAYS looking great because I keep it out of the way, in a safe place where my love, The Rock, can keep an eye on it for me when I'm not using it. 




Simply put, I use that picture because it makes me happy and because it was created for a good cause. Now y'all go out and support men's health initiatives in what's left of this November. Take a mustache/beard picture. Donate to an organization that does research on men's health issues.  Or just go encourage a man you care about to get a checkup. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Random Thoughts Movie Review: Dracula Untold

I finally got up early enough on a Saturday to have breakfast and read a book in my pajamas for awhile and still make it to a matinee movie. Matinee movies are important for two reasons: they're less expensive and they have fewer people in the theater to piss me off. 

Anyway, today I saw Dracula Untold, which is yet another retelling of the Dracula legend. This one was pretty good (1000 times better than the Dracula TV series that was on NBC last season). The run time was one hour and 40 minutes, which was perfect. It wasn't so short that I felt like I got cheated (matinee price or not), but not so long that I was ready for it to be over, due either to reaching the end of my attention span or from me drinking the large Diet Coke.

And now, my random thoughts from Dracula Untold:


  • Before actually entering the theater, the ticket taker guy complimented me on my Star Wars-themed t-shirt.
  • Wow, Luke Evans (the guy playing Vlad the Impaler, aka Dracula) is incredibly good looking.
  • Of course he's good looking. He's Welsh. 
  • I bet his fashion model boyfriend thinks he's incredibly good looking as well.
  • Vlad's son looks really familiar.
  • Luke Evans looks alot like Dominic Cooper, but hotter.
  • Don't go in the cave. Don't go in the cave. Don't go in the....men never listen.
  • Tywin Lannister looks terrible. He looks like his breath stinks.
  • Vlad's wife must have been something like 13 when she had that kid. Well, that IS how they did things back then.
  • Luke Evans is even better looking with his shirt off. 
  • I bet his boyfriend thinks that, too.
  • Rickon Stark! Rickon Stark is Dracula's son. 
  • Woah. Dominic Cooper is playing the bad guy. His Turkish accent sucks. But he doesn't look bad with guyliner. Not bad at all.
  • I work with lots of Turkish students, so I can truly judge how bad Dominic Cooper's Turkish accent is. How cool is that?
  • Luke Evans looks good in a long dark coat. 
  • So does David Tennant, Keanu Reeves, Nathan Fillion and every other sci-fi/fantasy crush of mine.
  • The guy that calls Vlad "master"... did they mention his name? It better be Renfield. 
  • Vlad just killed 1000 men and you think it's smart to kill his wife? Moron.
  • Vlad looks good in modern clothes. He looks good, period. Healthy. How come Tywin looked like a real nightmare when he was the vampire, but Vlad looks human?
  • Nice touch to name the modern incarnation of Vlad's wife Mina. 
  • Weird to see Tywin in non-GoT clothing. Blue is a good color for him, though.
  • They totally left it open for a sequel. I'd pay to watch it. At the matinee, anyway.
  • In the bathroom after the movie, there was a mom with a toddler having a total meltdown. She told me "I knew about the 'terrible two's'. Nobody warned me about the 'throttle me three's'." 


UPDATE: Here's a picture of my awesome t-shirt that the ticket taker dude liked.






Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Victor is wrong. (Photographic evidence)

This one time at Summer Mummers, I ran into Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. Despite the fact that  I fangirlled like an idiot a little bit, she was lovely. And sweet. And funny. Everything about her was just...RIGHT. She even let me take a picture. 







Somehow, Victor managed to get into the picture. That's all it took for me to know that Victor is WRONG. 



(This post filed under: Victor is wrong. The Bloggess, Shameless excuse to brag I met The Bloggess.)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I'm going to need a defibrillator, an eye patch and caffeine IV drip. STAT.

As I've mentioned before, I am not a morning person... "not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."  (100 imaginary points to the first person to name the movie that quote comes from.) In order to be a mostly functional member of society each day, I consume as much caffeine as humanly possible during my 12-minute drive to work. If I can manage to fully caffeinate* between home and work, the fogginess in my head clears, my hearing improves and my vision is scary good. 

But alas, this morning I opened up the fridge on my way out and grabbed NOTHING. I grabbed again, and still NOTHING. I managed to focus my attention enough to realize there was an empty spot where the Diet Cokes usually reside. My brain started to buzz and bing like old-fashioned dial up while it slowly remembered that it was supposed to remember something important. Something really important. But what? Maybe this bright pink sticky note on the fridge can give me a clue.



Oh yeah, that's it.


Damn. I knew there was something important I was supposed to do after work yesterday. Today's caffeination* would have to wait until I could get to the office. So I said a couple of quick prayers (one that I could wake up enough to drive, and another that the Coke machine at work wouldn't reject the bills I had in my wallet) and headed across town. Somehow I made it to campus safe and sound, parked the car, started the walk to my building and........ had a (figurative) heart attack when I came across about a million snakes.

Yes, snakes.

In my mind, when I saw the snakes I cleverly muttered, "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" (another 100 imaginary points if you can name the movie) and calmly went about my business. But in reality, I jumped out of my own skin, heart pounding and exclaimed "holy #?*!@!"  








The adrenaline cleared my head in a way that caffeine never could, and so I was able to really see the "snakes" which were in fact NOT snakes, but shriveled seed pod thingies that have fallen off the trees THAT TOTALLY LOOK LIKE SNAKES.

After a quick look around to see how many people witnessed my jack-assery,** I picked up the pace and managed to get to the office safely. I booted up the computer and headed straight to the Coke machine for my fix. I took a good long drag on the bottle and opened up email. I didn't get very far reading the first one before I realized my left contact was blurry (probably from all the rapid blinking I did when I thought I was about to die via reptile). Anyway, I grabbed my little vanity mirror from my desk drawer, popped the contact into the palm of my hand and reached for the bottle of saline solution I keep on my desk. I tipped the bottle down and saw Diet Coke filling my palm and coating my contact lens. (I really wish I was making this up.) I had grabbed the wrong damn bottle!

At first, as I saw my lens floating in the sweet nectar of the gods, I was appalled...not because of the lens, but because it was a total waste of Diet Coke. And then I considered the potential wonder of skipping the middleman (aka my stomach) and putting the caffeine directly in my eye via the contact lens. Imagine the possibilities! If my eyes had already had their daily caffeine boost when I came across the snakes I would have known they weren't actually snakes! This is a billion-dollar idea and I'm filing the patent paper work as we speak. Once I work out the kinks, caffeinated contacts will totally be a thing...I could work with Hasbro to get a robot/alien that wears the caffeinated contacts and call them "OCULUS PRIME." OH MY GOD. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE? I'M GOING TO BE A MILLION-BILLIONAIRE. I'LL HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE LIKE MARK ZUCKERBERG AND THAT GUY FROM THAT BAND AND THAT GIRL FROM THAT SHOW.  OMG I CAN SEE SOUNDS AND HEAR COLORS!



%%%%%

Author's note: There is no need to call an ambulance or recommend that I seek professional help. I had just had three Diet Cokes back-to-back-to-back by the time I wrote that last paragraph. It was alot like having a caffeine IV drip. Hmmm...caffeine IV drip, that has potential. I bet I could market that. I'll think I'll grab another coke and think about it...

%%%%%

* - Spellcheck does not recognize this as a word. Whoever created the spellcheck database clearly drinks decaf.

** - Spellcheck also does not recognize this a word. It knows "tom-foolery" but not "jack-assery." Ridiculous.










Thursday, October 9, 2014

I'll have the tall stack and a glass of your finest maple, please

I went to the grocery store for a "few" things after work. 

  • toilet paper
  • Diet Coke
  • bread
  • chips
  • bottled water

It's funny how a "few" things turns into full grocery cart when you're hungry.

  • toilet paper
  • Diet Coke
  • bread
  • bottled water
  • chili
  • Fritos
  • peanut butter cookies
  • Double Stuf Oreos
  • shredded cheese
  • biscuits
  • Tostitos queso
  • Julio's chips
  • ramen noodles
  • sangria
  • mac & cheese
  • pancake mix
By the time I got home and got the car unloaded I didn't want to look at the groceries anymore, so I did what everybody does in this situation. I made a Facebook post about wanting to order pizza. 

Nice to know I'm not alone 



When it was all said and done, I made pancakes for dinner.

For the record, there is no wine that pairs well with pancakes.

Also for the record, according to Google search results, you can eat pancake syrup indefinitely after the expiration date as long as it hasn't grown mold or fermented. Which makes me wonder, if the syrup has fermented, does that make it pancake syrup wine? In that case there IS a wine that pairs well with pancakes.




Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I discovered some comic book sexism while I was being sexist.

A friend (who shall remain anonymous) sent me the movie preview to "Playing It Cool" featuring Chris Evans as a guy who's trying to steal another guy's fiance'. The other guy just happens to be played by handsome Welsh actor Ioan Gruffudd. Actually, now that I think about it, most Welsh actors are handsome and/or beautiful. Hmmm....I'm a goddess and I'm only one quarter Welsh. Imagine if I was full-blooded Welsh...what's a step above goddess?

But I digress. As usual.

Those of you in my tens of readers who are also comic book/comic book movie fanatics like I am have probably already recognized the significance of having those two actors together in a movie. Both of those actors were in the (ridiculously bad) Fantastic Four movies! Fangirls and fanboys, rejoice!

What? You don't get it? Okay, for those of you who don't speak nerdish, my friend's quick one-line synopsis of "it's a movie where you have to decide if you root for The Human Torch or Mr. Fantastic to get the girl" pretty much covers it.

For the record when it comes to deciding who should get the girl, I said "The Human Torch can have her, because that leaves Mr. Yumtastic for me." My friend said "I'm definitely The Human Torch type", so my friend claimed dibs on HotBoy. Then we decided it would be awesome to double date with our superhero studmuffins.

But I digress, AGAIN.

This movie has The Human Torch trying to steal Mr. Fantastic's girlfriend (who thankfully is not also Torchy's sister, as she would be if this was really the Fantastic Four.)

SIDENOTE: I realize (with pride) that my nerd friends TOTALLY understand that last convoluted sentence. I also realize my non-nerd friends probably stopped reading after the second sentence of this post. Whatever.

This ALSO is where I realized the Fantastic Four had some very subtle sexism as I went through some stream-of-consciousness fangirl ADD (try to keep up):

"If my friend and I are double dating with The Human Torch and Mr. Fantastic, then that leaves Sue Storm stuck with The Thing....why do all the guys have superhero names but Sue Storm is just Sue Storm... she doesn't get a cool name...probably because she's a girl and comic book writers are guys...wait, they called her the Invisible Girl....still pretty sexist...or at the very least condescending....then she got to be the Invisible Woman, but that was YEARS later...and they totally treated her like a 1950's housewife instead of a badass...the guys had cool names from the beginning...geez, even Sue Storm hits the glass ceiling...ironic, since she totally can blend in with it..."

So, to bring us back to my point, I was getting pretty ticked at the sexism in The Fantastic Four names while simultaneously dreaming about a double date with "Mr. Yumtastic" and "HotBoy". Today I'm the pot. Tomorrow, I'll probably be the kettle. It doesn't matter either way, I look fabulous in black.






Sunday, August 31, 2014

Facebook Challenge: Name your Top Ten Books. Here's my Top Nine. (I'm a rebel.)

The latest thing on Facebook is to list the Top 10 Books That Affected My Life In Some Way. I was challenged by my friend Marcy to list my Top 10. You'd think for someone like me who loves to read, it would be easy for me to knock out a Top Ten Books list. It's not. I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now. 

I have some favorite books that are just favorites. They're like literary chocolate; I go back and read them when I want to feel good, but that doesn't mean they've "affected my life." I'm positive there are books that I read as a child that were so good I wanted to read more and more. Those clearly affected me, but strangely, I can't remember most of the books that I read when I was little. And there have been some that have seriously affected me as an adult, but the reasons are too personal to share...aka...they're none of your damn business. 

So, I have altered the challenge a bit.


The Top Nine Books That Are Important To Me For A Reason I'm Willing To Share (in no particular order):

1.  IT by Stephen King - My Mom and I have had similar-ish taste in books over the years. My Dad and I...not so much. He likes westerns and spooky thrillers by Stephen King. I never understood my Dad's interest in Stephen King books until I read IT in college. IT scared the bejeebers out of me so bad that I didn't sleep well for three weeks (and I still don't want to see spiders or clowns)...but it was awesome. There was something cool about the way my heart would beat fast and how I'd almost be afraid to turn the page, except that I HAD TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. I was hooked on Stephen King books for quite awhile after that...most borrowed from my Dad's collection.


2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - Who doesn't want their own Mr. Darcy? I'm still holding out. This is my go-to when I feel like reading a romance, but don't really feel like starting something "new." I can pick up P&P on any page and be happy. Fun fact: I have four copies of Pride and Prejudice in actual paper book form and three e-versions.

3. Like Water For Chocolate by Laura Esquivel - This book and it's accompanying movie were the reason I decided to learn Spanish.



4. 501 Spanish Verbs (Third Edition) by Christopher Kendris - The single most important book I had while learning (and continuing to learn) Spanish. Conjugation is hard, y'all.

5. Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs (series) by Molly Harper - I found an author that I SWEAR picks the snarky thoughts out of my brain and puts them on paper. Fun fact: the main character is a librarian-turned-vampire named Jane who also loves Pride and Prejudice and who also has multiple copies of the book laying around her house.



6. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell - This was recommended to me by librarian Liz Stottlemeyer at the Andrews County Library. I took it to school with me and would read it in class when I would finish my work early. (Yes, I was that big of a nerd) I finally had to STOP taking it with me and just finish it at home because some parts were so heart-wrenching that I'd catch myself crying at my desk in the middle of class. How could everyone else be so damn calm when Bonnie Blue just died?!?

7. The Thornbirds by Colleen McCollough - As soon as I was done with Gone With The Wind, I ran right back to Liz for more recommendations. She didn't let me down with The Thornbirds. This was probably the first really adult book I ever read. It sealed my love of romances and historical fiction. 



8. Any Harry Potter book by JK Rowling - I had always just read whatever books looked interesting before this. This series gave me a new experience: looking forward to, anticipating, counting down the days until a book was available. It was exciting.

9. Farm Fatale: A Comedy of Country Manors by Wendy Holden - This is a fun little British rom-com. I got it when I did a book donation/trade at the Mitchell County Library. It's a fun and breezy read. I've read it about four times now. It's like Pride and Prejudice; I pick it up when I want to read without obligating myself to a new series...but it's much fluffier and doesn't take the same kind of brain power as P&P. A good beach read, if I were the beach kind of girl.



That's it; the nine most important books in my life. The cool thing about this list is that if you were to ask me again in, say ten years, the list may be very different. Or it could be exactly the same. Books are cool that way. They are always there for you when you need them, but happy to make way for new ones when you need something else at that moment.

What are your important books?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Random Thoughts Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

I think I'm the last nerd in Texas to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Or at least one of the last three. It was only me and two other individual nerds in the theater. One was kinda cute, but I digress....

I loved Guardians of the Galaxy. It was 122 minutes, but only felt like a little over an hour. The cast was not exactly A-list, but better than B-list...with the two biggest names providing voices instead of their beautiful faces (Vin Diesel as Groot and Bradley Cooper as Rocket).


My random thoughts during Guardians of the Galaxy:


  • The chick playing Peter's mom is the same chick who plays Lucrezia Donati on Da Vinci's Demons! ( I love when fandoms collide.)

  • Who is Peter Quill's dad?

  • Chris Pratt is adorable.

  • I want the soundtrack. Hmm, the songs are so old, I bet if I go look for the songs individually on Amazon Prime, they will mostly be free, but if I take the lazy route and buy the soundtrack it'll probably be $10 or more. 

  • This popcorn is stale.

  • Michael Rooker's Yondu is really just Intergalactic Merle Dixon.

  • Chris Pratt is hot. 

  • Oh hey! That's Kirk from Gilmore Girls!

  • Even green, Zoe Saldana is gorgeous and I want to hate her but I can't.

  • It's so embarrassing when I get choked up and emotional during comic book movies. 

  • I want a little dancing Groot for my desk.

  • Howard the Duck? I waited for Howard the freaking Duck?

  • When will the sequel be out? There better be a sequel, dammit.

  • Chris Pratt is aborably hot.

  • I thought Lee Pace was in this movie. Holy crap, he was the bad guy. 

  • I AM GROOT.


Have you seen GotG? What were your random thoughts during the movie?

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Happy Lefty Day!

Happy International LeftHanders Day! Or as I like to call it, Happy Most Awesome People in the World Day!

Last year I had a little rant about things that aren't lefty-friendly.. This year, I'm going to share cool left-hander facts with you.

These come from leftyfretz.com (a left-hander guitar player website) because I'm no plagiarist. LeftyFretz says that lefties:


  • Make especially good baseball players, tennis players, swimmers, boxers and fencers (almost 40% of the top tennis players are lefties)
  • Recover from strokes faster
  • Of the seven most recent U.S Presidents, 4 have been left handed
  • Left handed college graduates go on to become 26% richer than right handed graduates

And these come factoids come from from LeftHandersDay.com:

  • 4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed
  • 1 in 4 Apollo astronauts were left-handed – 250% more than the normal level.

So today, fellow lefties, go out and celebrate your lefty awesomeness. A great way to celebrate would be to watch an episode of The Simpsons, in which left-handed Bart Simpson always starts the show writing lines on a chalkboard with his left hand. 



Monday, August 4, 2014

These "new" hairstyles are going to the dogs...aka...RIP 80s bangs and stuff

Lately, I've noticed a few of the girls on campus sporting a "new" hairstyle. It's that "new" thing where they use hot rollers or a curling iron to make their hair all curly, then they tease it up to look fashionably messy. It looks almost like how I wore my hair in 1989, except without bangs. (RIP 80's bangs) It's the "without bangs" part that makes it "new." Or that's part of what makes it "new."

Bouncy curls , scary-but-awesome bangs, straight teeth and HUGE earrings, all captured by Carousel Foto. (RIP, Carousel Foto.)


The other "new" part of this "new" hairstyle is the part itself. (Does that make sense?) These girls are parting their hot-rolled, fabulously bouncy hair waaayyy far over to the side. And since they're so concerned about the planet these days, they don't use hairspray to hold it there. (RIP AquaNet Aerosol) These young women have to just tilt their heads to the side all day in order for gravity to help them maintain their parts.

This makes them look like they are perpetually confused. Sorta like our dog would do when he heard a new noise outside. (RIP S. Dog Johnson)


So when I see this...



I think this, but without all the puppy cuteness....



So straighten up those necks, girls...and have some pride in your posture or someone will probably throw you a Milkbone.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today I earned the title of "Weirdest Neighbor in the Apartment Complex." On purpose.

Every apartment community has that one weird neighbor. The one who walks around talking to themselves, or puts out Halloween decorations in April, or who just generally does weird stuff. Today, I completely intentionally became that weird neighbor.

In my complex, each apartment entry has an overhang that is supported by two decorative columns. It seems that last night a very industrious family of spiders managed to weave a rather large web between the columns of MY entry and effectively block me in. Luckily, just before I walked into the web, the sunlight hit it just right and I was able to back up and avoid that creepy feeling of having web stuck all over me. So I stepped back in my apartment and grabbed the broom and then got back in the doorway to brush away the web.

This sounds like a something a normal person would do, right? Well, yes it is, as long as anyone who sees you waving a broom in the air is close enough to see the web. See, at exactly the moment I was waving the broom in front of me getting the webs, neighbors from THREE different apartments happened to step out of their apartments. They were far enough away that they couldn't see the web, only the crazy lady waving a broom in the air in front of her apartment.

They all looked at me like I'm nuttier that squirrel poo (thank you, JK Rowling for that lovely phrase). And I could have chosen to announce to them that I was clearing spider webs, but how boring is that? So I yelled out that there was no need for any of them to worry, that my ex-husband's ghost won't leave me alone, but he probably doesn't have a reason to bother anyone else in the complex. They all managed to get in their cars and get gone pretty fast after that.

I really hope that earning the "Weirdest Neighbor in the Apartment Complex" title will pay dividends in the future. I don't mean money; I'm not THAT delusional. I just hope it's enough that the neighbors will not send their kids to my apartment anymore during school fundraising season and that they'll make an effort to be quiet and courteous so that I don't go full-on crazy on them of these days. I'll let you know how it goes.




Thursday, July 17, 2014

Well, I'm feeling pretty stupid right about now.

A few years back I bought a set of kitchen utensils. It had probably 100 pieces at least. There were serving spoons and slotted spoons, a ladle, a pancake-flipping type spatula or two, a scrape-the-stuff-out-of-the-jar type spatula or two, a whisk, measuring cups, measuring spoons, tongs....and this thing. 




It's like a bulb-less flashlight.


Now, it's no secret that I'm no cook. Most of the utensils in that set have only been used a few times over the years, but this one was never even touched because I figured it was for some kind of really advanced recipes. 

Then yesterday, it caught my eye, so I picked it up and REALLY looked at it. And look what I figured out....





It's like a Transformer, but instead of turning into a robot it turns into something TRULY useful.


That's right. Your dear friend and wine aficionado Shelley has unknowingly had a corkscrew hiding in plain sight in her kitchen drawer FOR YEARS. 


I feel so stupid, and strangely guilty for judging a book by its cover (or a utensil by its odd shape), but I take comfort in knowing that at least my Transformer corkscrew has had company while he waited for me to discover the beauty he carries within. 


 Alien and Angel welcome Transformer to the drawer with open arms.



Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Convenience store etiquette .... aka you can't scratch those lottery tickets if you're hog tied with the hose from the gas pump

Etiquette. That word used to only be associated with how ladies and gentlemen were supposed to behave while out with ton. (Yes, ton. I've been reading Jane Austen again. Get over it.) These days though, etiquette is usually the second half of a phrase describing a specific type of appropriate behavior. There's email etiquette, movie theater etiquette, mobile phone etiquette, etc....

Today, I want to talk about convenience store etiquette. Specifically, I'm going to give an example of BAD convenience store etiquette.

As I've mentioned before, I am not a morning person, and I require caffeine in the morning. And in the mid-morning. And at lunch. And in the early afternoon. And again around 3 pm. Anyway...

On this particular morning, I had no caffeine in my apartment. None. So I stopped at the convenience store down the street on my way to work. When I walked in, there was a guy diligently working at a pile of a scratch-off lottery tickets at the lottery kiosk. I got to the back of store where the rest of the caffeine-deprived zombies were shuffling around, getting their first fix of the day. I got my jumbo iced tea, added in just the right amount of Sweet N Low, took a big drink to "make sure I had the right amount of Sweet N Low" (aka to start flow of caffeine in my blood stream) and then topped it off with more tea.

By the time I got to the check out line, there were four people in front me. The lady directly in front of me had the biggest refillable coffee mug I've ever seen. It had to be 60 ounces at least. And it was fluorescent orange, pink and green. Frankly, I can't believe she'd need coffee to wake up after just looking at that godawful thing, but what do I know? In front of her were two guys with coffee and snacks. They looked like construction workers or some kind of workers who work outside and who probably should have already been at work by 8:30 am (judging by the way they kept looking at their watches). And then there was the guy at the front of the line. It was Mr. Scratch Off himself.

Apparently, Mr. Lotto man had managed to get a couple of winning tickets and wanted to cash them in right then. Now, if you've ever cashed in a lottery ticket, you know that it's not the quickest process. By the time the clerk had scanned them all, declared he had won $27, and dug that $27 out of the cash register, those of us behind him were getting antsy. We all kind of started to move forward at the same time assuming the line was going to start moving then. But no. Mr. I'll Keep Trying My Luck was REALLY going to try his luck. When the clerk tried to hand him his winnings, he said, "no, I just want to get some more tickets."

MORE #?*! TICKETS?!?

And he picked them out. One by freaking one. He asked how much every ticket cost, even though it's printed on every ticket and you can see it through the protective glass. Eventually, he got two of the $5 tickets and 17 of the $1 tickets. That's right. He spent four minutes (I counted) picking out lottery tickets while the line of not-fully-caffeinated, not-running-on-time-for-work and definitely-not-amused customers grew behind him.

One of the construction guys mumbled something about "late for work."  I heard "so rude!" from somewhere in the line behind me. The woman with the jumbo hyper-color mug looked like she was ready to swing all 60 ounces of it at him. And me? I was eyeing the gas pump hoses out front and thinking "I'd like to see him scratch those tickets with his hands tied behind his back with those hoses."


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Don't read this post.

Why are you still here? I specifically told you in the title to NOT read this post. See, I'm learning how to use blog analytics and search results and other totally nerdy stuff that will prove I have tens of readers. And part of turning on one of the thingys is to post this link in a post: 

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11116051/?claim=8bjdkkes3p7">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

I'm sure there's a better way to do it, but I'm not that technically savvy.

I guess since you read this far I should give you something to make it worthwhile, or would that just be rewarding you for not following directions?




Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Buying wine makes me need a drink. Thank goodness I'm buying wine.

Sometimes the wine isle of the grocery store can be a little intimidating. Especially when there are other people there who talk about wine like they actually know what they are talking about. I encountered this on my last trip down the wine isle for some sangria (which is my fave, by the way). I was listening in on them hoping to learn something while trying to look like I actually DO know something about wine. (I don't know anything about wine other than that I know I like it; ) Anyway, I wasn't paying attention and picked up a bottle of cabernet sauvigon instead of sangria. I didn't notice this until I was unloading groceries at home. 

FYI, if you add Sweet N Low to cab/sav, it tastes JUST LIKE sangria. 

Oh yes, I did.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I can't be expected to blog during the World Cup

This isn't really a blog post. This is a brief explanation of what has kept me so busy that I haven't written a post in weeks. I really only need a few words because there are so many pictures and videos to explain.



FIFA WORLD CUP


So far there have been lots of these moments.




USA is still in (as of 10:38am July 1)





Spain is out (but still full of handsome players)

Sergio Ramos - yowza

Xabi Alonso - debonair


Gerard Pique - Shakira's Baby Daddy




And Suarez is still crazy. 

Nom nom. Turns out Italians taste like chicken.




The WC final is July 13.Y'all enjoy your July, I'll see ya in a couple of weeks.  

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I can't sleep with a shark under my bed.

My normally-quiet apartment neighbor to the north bought a surround sound system for his TV today.

The first movie he chooses to play? 

JAWS.

The movie with the GIANT SHARK that ruined lakes and oceans for me so many years ago.

The reason I can't watch Shark Week. 

The reason that every time I see something gargantuan I mutter "we're going to need a bigger boat."

The movie with the singular most frightening soundtrack ever.

JAWS.

There's no way I'll get any sleep tonight...unless someone is kind enough to come check under my bed for sharks. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Memorial Day Weekend Book & Movie Review on X-Men and Godzilla. AKA...everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Memorial Day Weekend, because I did, and I'm about to talk about it. And I mostly don't want to sound like I'm bragging.

I didn't go hang with my parents this weekend because I hate being on the roads when 36.1 million other people are on the roads, too. Other people's driving tends to piss me off and make me curse more than normal. I just really don't need that kind of stress in my life (and I'm afraid someone's going to read my lips in their rear view mirror one day and go all Solange Knowles on me), so I just stay home do the other three things in my top four of the "Things that make me happy and that I'm good at" list. Number one is "hanging out with my parents and being spoiled, even at my age." Two through four are "read a book until it screws up my sleep cycle," "Sleep as hard and long as a poisoned/be-spelled Disney princess" and "Watch movies."  This weekend was all about two through four.

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday I slept, read, slept, ate some donuts, and then repeated the whole routine. The book I read was Daisy's Back in Town by Rachel Gibson. I THOUGHT it was going to be the literary equivalent of a rom-com movie with Reese Witherspoon. Ya know, West Texas girl comes back to her hometown and falls in love with her high school sweetheart all over again while wacky hijinks ensue? Well, not so much. There were no hijinks, both of the romantic leads were mostly unlikable, and speaking as a West Texan, the stereotypes of West Texans were just insulting. 

Today I took a vacation day to extend my holiday and to go to the orthodontist. (I dare to live on the edge.) (I need a sarcasm font.) Anyway, after taking my turn in the Chair of Orthodontic and Financial Pain, I grabbed some lunch (Freebirds - in an homage to my carefree college days) and then headed to the movies. Just like I don't care for holiday traffic on the roads, I don't care for holiday traffic in the theater, so Tuesday movies when everyone else is back at work make me very happy. And it's all about me, dammit.

I started with a large Diet Coke and a ticket for X-Men: Days of Future Past in 3D at the theater on the west side of town. Before I get into my brief review of the movie, let me just say that during the summer movie season of Memorial Day Weekend through Labor Day weekend, I enjoy the previews almost as much as I enjoy the actual movies. I have added a few flicks to my "must-see" movie list today. 

Back to X-Men, it was awesome. Thanks to the all-star cast comprised of both generations of X-Men actors, it had the best of both X-Men worlds. The story was well-paced; the 131 minute running time didn't feel that long at all. In my not-even-a-little-bit humble opinion, Days of Future Past is better than X-Men: First Class, and I LOVED First Class. 

My random thoughts from X-Men: Days of Future Past: 
  • Quicksilver (played by Evan Peters of American Horror Story fame) completely stole the show in the little part of the show he was in. I understand the Quicksilver character will be back in future Marvel movies, but played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson from Kick Ass (more on him in a minute). 
  • Peter Dinklage was seriously underused as Bolivar Trask, but that's okay because the Game of Thrones producers appreciate his talent.
  • Hugh Jackman's butt is impressive.
  • Michael Fassbender is yummy.
  • I totally want to be Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Staying for the post-credits teaser trailer was barely worth it. 
  • There's an actor named Mike Dopud that shows up on pretty much every show SyFy channel puts out. He shows up briefly in X-Men as a 1973 MOFO mob soldier and Wolverine gets on his bad side. 
As soon as X-Men was over, I stopped at the ladies room (large Diet coke + 2-hour movie is rough), got in the car and headed to the theater on the other side of town rather than wait an hour to watch Godzilla at the first theater. I got my ticket for Godzilla in 3D, another large Diet Coke and a small popcorn with do-it-yourself butter. I totally had to break out the Spray 'N Wash when I got home because I can't be trusted with do-it-yourself butter. But I digress...

Godzilla, like X-Men, is a two-hour movie, but where X-Men was exciting and didn't FEEL like a two-hour movie, Godzilla felt like a four-hour movie shown during dental surgery. It was not particularly good. Actually, I thought it was particularly bad. Multiple times during the show I lost interest and pulled out my phone to check Facebook (I was the ONLY person in the theater), only to remember that "I paid $8 for this crap so I should at least watch it." The single reason I sat through the entire movie despite the second large Diet Coke of the day was Aaron Taylor-Johnson. He grew up really nice. And before you get on me for being pervy over a not-quite-24-year-old guy, just keep in mind his wife is 47. I'm practically a puppy compared to her.

My random thoughts from Godzilla:
  • It's true what the Japanese are saying; Godzilla is a little pudgy. He and I should join Weight Watchers together.
  • This was a total waste of Bryan Cranston and Ken Watanabe.
  • Why do movies have to be so loud?
  • Aaron Taylor-Johnson is yummy.
  • There were these things that the military-type characters in the movie kept calling "MUTOs" (M-something Unidentified Terrestrial Objects), but with my hearing, I kept thinking they were saying "MOFOs," which was amusingly distracting and way more accurate.
  • The first MOFO followed Aaron Taylor-Johnson from Japan to Hawaii. I would have, too.
  • Mike Dopud (mentioned above) plays a regular modern-day soldier who gets on a MOFO's bad side. Irony at it's finest.
  • Why did I get another large drink?

Anyway,that's the weekend in review. Time for us to tackle a whole new week. Hope yours is more X-Men than Godzilla.

Monday, May 19, 2014

They should put a common sense section on the SAT.

I've mentioned before that I work at a college. Our students are, hypothetically, smart enough to have passed the SAT or ACT. Sadly, that doesn't mean that every student who manages to make it to college comes to campus with at least some common sense rattling around between their ears.

Today I worked at the front counter. I have a container full of pens for students to use and (usually never) bring back. These are pens with the office logo on them. They are all identical.

This morning, a student grabbed a pen, took his paperwork into the lobby and then came back to me. He said, "this pen doesn't work." I held my hand out for him to give the pen to me to throw away, but he put it back in the pen container. I said, "WAIT! Which pen was it so I can toss it?" He said, completely seriously with no hint of sarcasm, "the red one."



Silly me, it was the red one.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if students were required to take a high school class on common sense, and  were tested on common sense after high school the same way they are tested on math, reading, and writing (we could call it the IHECSTNDMTDT - aka the I Have Enough Common Sense To Not Darwin Myself To Death Test), and were required to have passed the IHECSTNDMTDT  to get into college, I would have had nothing to blog about today.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool

It's Friday night. 

I'm sitting on the couch, sangria in hand, singing the theme song to "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

I expect TLC to contact me saying they want to turn my life into a reality show any minute now


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Noisy neighbors are the poor girl's HBO.



I have seriously slacked on the blog lately. I blame HBO. I’ve signed up for a 3-month trial package, so I’ve been watching HBO Go and HBO On Demand every spare minute. I've absolutely got to watch everything before I have to cancel because the trial price goes away and the regular price kicks in. But I’m not here to talk about HBO (even though I could write an entire post about series quality, excellent writing and how they like showing naked women but are less interested showing naked men. Unless it’s Hodor. They gave us full-frontal Hodor. Nobody needs to see full-frontal Hodor.) 

Anyway, since I’ve spent so much time watching TV lately, I’ve spent a lot of time on the couch. Which also means I’ve spent a lot of time listening to the racket coming from the living room of my next door neighbors in the apartment building. Every now and then they’ll yell something that’s funny enough to make up for all the noise they make. 

The family next door consists of a dad (who isn’t there much), a mom (who can't not yell even if she wanted to), a 4-year-old little girl...aka…Elsa (who’s actually pretty cute and sweet) and a toddler boy…aka…Demon Child (who is still not talking in full sentences, but who has a wicked low-pitched Vincent Price-style laugh that is pretty creepy to hear late at night. And since his parents don’t impose any kind of bedtime, I hear it late at night REGULARLY.) I refer to them as THE NEIGHBORS. (I know, zero points for originality.)
 
Now that you know THE NEIGHBORS, let me set a few scenes:

Scene 1: Flashback PRIOR to Disney's Frozen being available on DVD…Elsa is on the sidewalk singing what she can remember of the lyrics to “Let It Go.”   {musical notes}  LET it go. Let IT go. Let it GO-OWHOA-OH-OH.” She sang this line over and over and over.  But then the DVD came out, so NOW she knows all the words, to all the songs, and all of the dialogue of the whole movie. I’ve never actually seen Frozen, but I know most of it just from listening to her through the walls. (And I totally want to build a snowman.)

Scene 2: Demon Child is kicking the wall. Over and over. I go next door and let the mom know he’s  kicking hard enough to rattle the pictures on my walls. She turns around and tells the kid to stop kicking the walls or “I’m going to let this lady take you away.”(Clearly she’s making empty threats since the Universe has told me to never have [or take away] children.) He burst into tears. And then he proceeded to start kicking the wall again. And he laughed the Demon Child laugh the whole time. (FYI: I doubled my renter’s insurance after that.)

Scene 3: Mom is singing “Let It Go” from Frozen. Elsa interrupts her with, “Mom. MOM! Stop, you’re ruining it!”  I kinda like Elsa.



Scene 4: Demon Child yells “YEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!” And then I hear a loud crash. (I tripled my renter’s insurance after Hop-a-long Demon Child.)

Scene 5: Mom tells Demon Child “NO!” He apparently has never heard that word before because he cried for FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT after she said it. 

Scene 6: Moms YELLS at Demon Child to “USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE!” 




Hmmm. It really loses some of the humor in the telling. Oh well, clearly THE NEIGHBORS’ dialogue doesn’t compare with the scripts on HBO, but it certainly is entertainment that’s less expensive than a premium cable package. And on the good side, it also doesn’t involve Hodor’s package either. 



p.s. Admit it, some of you are disappointed I didn't add a Hodor pic. Cheeky buggers.