Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Out-Weirding a Craigslist Weirdo

Earlier today I overheard part of a conversation as some people walked by the conference room I was in. The girl said that she thought that a guy wasn’t calling her back because she “out-weirded him.” And then she corrected herself...”I mean, weirded him out.”

I wanted to pop my head out of the door and tell her that despite what she may think, you really can "out-weird" a guy. I should know. I've done it. I out-weirded the weirdest guy ever. (Ever notice how if you use a word too many times it starts to look weird. "Weird" is starting to look weird.)

Anyway.....

**Flashback a year or so**


My phone made that "text message" sound. It was about midnight. None of my friends ever text me that late because they know I won't answer. Or maybe it's because I'm kinda scary and/or mean and/or incoherent when you wake me up. Whatever.

The text turned out to be from a number I didn't recognize. It also turned out to be a picture of a redneck guy who (whom?) I've never met. He was wearing a wife beater t-shirt and knee-high cowboy boots and standing by the tailgate of a tricked-out pickup truck holding a 6-foot-long rattlesnake.

This is the text chat that ensued:

Me: Ummmmm...nice snake? Is that a new truck? Who is this?

Redneck: I'm answering your ad. I hope you don't mind that I sent a pic.

Me: (Assuming a friend is messing with me) You know what they say...a picture is worth a thousand words. Seriously, who is this?

Redneck: I really liked your ad. Do you like my pic?

Me: Sure, loved it, whatever. What ad? WTF is this?

Redneck: Your Craigslist ad.

Me: I didn’t answer a Craigslist ad. WHO IS THIS?

Redneck: No, I’M answering YOUR ad. (He’s thinking I’m a dimwit at this point, I’m sure.)

Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Redneck: You didn't run an ad looking for a hookup tonight?

Me: Obviously not. But now I'm curious about something.

Redneck: What?

Me: Did you really think a pic of a fully-clothed guy is right for this situation? If you want to hook up, you should have at least gone shirtless. Looks like you've got some muscles under that wife-beater.

Redneck: Thanks. I'll report the ad to Craigslist so they'll take it down.

Me: Thanks. And what's with the snake? Did you think I'd go all "Eve in the garden of Eden" on you? Get to know you in the Biblical sense?

Redneck: I'll make sure they take the ad down.

Me: And if you wanted an anonymous hookup, you should NOT have showed your license plate in the picture. I could be a weirdo.

Redneck: I'm going to stop answering you now.


And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you out-weird a guy. I'm not entirely sure that it's a good thing that a Craigslist perv thinks I'M the scary one, but I still count it as a win.


28 comments:

  1. I've got to say... This is pretty awesome...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. I'm so good at awkward; too bad they don't advertise jobs with "bi-lingual preferred, awkward is a must."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha! I'm so glad you posted this on Jenny's blog. Love!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Heather! Jenny is so gracious to let us pimp out our blogs (in the show off and make fancy way), which is kinda letting us pimp out her blog (in the not show off and make fancy way, but in the put on high heels and skimpy clothes kind of way.) Oohhh yuck, now I feel like I need a shower. I'm going to stop typing now....

      Delete
  4. The Bloggess sent me here :) Out of all that weirdness, the boots are standing out to me. I live in TX, but what are knee-high cowboy boots? I thought they were all iind of tall, and didn't know they came in different heights. Right now, I'm picturing this dude wearing boots with his jeans tucked into them so you can see that they go to his knees. Not a good look in my imagination. Also, is there such a thing as say...ankle-high-cowboy-boots? I guess this is rhetorical and I'll just go google it :) Anyway, high-five on your technique! Now I'm off to check out the rest of your site (in a totally non-creepy way).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by and reading in a totally non-creepy way. The best way I can explain the boots is to tell you to picture Festus from Gunsmoke. Maybe this will help: http://www.briandeon.com/2/post/2013/04/big-ledge-second-pass-how-to-speak-cowboy.html

      Delete
  5. That is excellent. My husband once got invited to Thanksgiving dinner by some other guy's Aunt. She refused to accept that he was not her nephew and continued to text him anyway. Eventually he just said he would be there, and asked if it was ok if we brought our two 120 lb dogs along as well. She never replied after that but I can't help wondering if the nephew ever showed up for Thanksgiving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess even kooky old ladies have their limits. You totally could've brought the dogs to my place as long as you also brought pie.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  6. Came here from The Bloggess! I have to say, I was absolutely certain that the punchline of the picture was going to be that, except for the wifebeater, boots, and snake, he was completely nekkid. Thank god I was wrong!

    My first year in grad school, some woman was passing faked checks... and by chance, the made-up phone number on the dud checks was our phone number. This was before cell phones were in common use, so my housemates and I got phone calls from irate creditors for WEEKS, literally all hours of the day and night. Most of them refused to believe that "Tamara" was in fact not there, did not live there, to the best of our knowledge had never, ever lived there. They were sure she was hiding under the bed or something. We had people screaming and yelling at us, threats to come over and break our kneecaps, all kinds of things.

    Good times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd rather deal with pervs over debt collectors any day. Pervs tend to at least have better senses of humor and whimsy. Just ask Frederick's of Hollywood.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  7. Hahahaha! Love it!

    (linked via The Bloggess - what a great idea to pimp out!)

    Megan W

    ReplyDelete
  8. Also landed here from The Bloggess! So glad I did! Thanks for the laugh this early in the morning!

    ReplyDelete
  9. That's funny shit. Bravo on out-weirding the creepy perv. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  10. If "out-weirding" is not in the dictionary, it should be! That was hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks so much for stopping by, everybody! I'm going to have to find a weird piece of taxidermy to send Jenny as a thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. NAILED IT

    (Kinda funny word choice since you didn't want the random hookup. I have a way with these things.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me giggle imagining telling him "Nailed ya!"

      Delete
  13. Funny! I came here via Jenny too. And when I read "pimp out my Grand Am", this is what immediately came to mind. I laughed so hard when I saw this ad that I like, literally, snorted!
    http://www.pinterest.com/pin/232568768227937874/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh boy. That is too much awesome. If I didn't already have a Grand Am with head gasket issues, I'd go buy that bad boy.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
    2. And I used to date a guy in that grand am.... LOL.. Well, an older model with dark tint windows. LOL

      Delete
    3. Older model car or older model guy?

      Delete
    4. I love that ad! Might as well go all out with, amirite?

      Delete
  14. Loved your story. I wish you could have included his picture. I really like snakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm alot like Indiana Jones; I hate snakes. And I wish I still had the picture, but that was two phones and one wireless carrier ago.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  15. Funny, though of course it makes me want to create a similar fake post. Novel idea. Of course, I also routinely called those 800 # ads regarding mail-order Poise pads, erectile dysfunction meds, anti-diarrheal tips, etc., and had them sent to various friends and relatives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We may be friends and just not recognize each other's screen names, because I had a "friend" who signed me up to receive catalogs for adult toys....to my work address.

      Delete
    2. Hehe, sounds like something I would be into, but I can't get an invite to one of those parties. Perhaps they feel my presence would be to disruptive...

      Delete
  16. It dawned on me just last night that I didn't think to ask Mr. Craigslist Perv if he thought he was chatting with a woman or a man.

    ReplyDelete