Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Cussing at the holy rollers

Last night I unintentionally cussed at a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. They were going door-to-door in my complex ringing doorbells and sharing the good news. In the process, they riled up every dog in the neighborhood, particularly the two that live on either side of me. By the time they got to me, the dog in unit G was practically banging the door down trying to get to them (to lick and snuggle them to death, he's a big sweet puppy). When I opened my door, they said "it must be really noisy living here with all those dogs" and my automatic, no-filter response was "They just go ape shit when they hear the doorbells." Oops. Now that evangelists know that I'm a foul-mouthed heathen, they'll probably be back every week to save me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Post-birthday reflection

Yesterday was my birthday. As far as birthdays go, it was a pretty good one, at least for me...but others seemed to be put off by it. 
I don't understand why some people are so uncomfortable with age. Yesterday at the campus event I attended, I was asked "how does it feel to be 25?" I responded that "I don't remember because I celebrated a lot harder in those days, but 44 feels pretty awesome." In the same conversation someone else said "You can just be 29 again." WHY? I'm 44. More than a couple of people seemed to honestly recoil at me saying 44, like it's a dirty word. (And yet, they don't recoil when I say actual dirty words. And I do that. More than I should.)
I'M 44 Y'ALL. I have survived broken hearts and broken bones, car loans and car crashes. I have killed approximately two dozen goldfish and three dozen hair dryers. I have family and friends that keep me sane, despite the fact that I am an absolutely crazy (but generally-happy) person. All because I've lived 44 years. Not just 25. Not just 29. 44, y'all.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: The Secret Life of Pets

Sunday's Movie Church flick was The Secret Life of Pets. It was a pretty close vote this week: the ladies all voted for Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates, but in a surprise twist, EVERY guy voted for the family-friendly choice. I'm sure there are women in the world whose ovaries would practically explode over guys who choose family fare over adult comedy. My tens of readers know that I am NOT one of those women. Give me dirty jokes and Zac Efron's 24-pack, dammit!

Begrudgingly, I will admit that, while not my first choice, The Secret Life of Pets was actually pretty good. At one hour and 46 minutes, it hits that sweet spot of not being so short that I felt cheated, and not so long that I lost interest or had to test my bladder's elasticity. And, it's 1:46 was good enough to keep the gaggles of children engaged the whole time. Well-played, Illumination Entertainment. Well-played indeed. 

Pets gets an A. Even without Zac Efron's abs, it gets an A. 

And now, my random thoughts during the movie...

  • Minions animated short?!? Yes, please! I love Minions! 
  • That was so good! Bet the movie doesn't live up to the Minions.
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. *
  • I recognize that dog's owner's voice, but just can't place it. **
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. Although it sounds remarkably like the sheep from Zootopia. ***
  • I recognize that cat's voice, but just can't place it. ****
  • I love this dog Gidget. She's feisty.
  • And Gidget watches telenovelas. We're soul sisters!
  • That's Jaime Camil's voice in the animated telenovela!
  • Of course I can't recognize the (most-likely) American voices, but immediately pick out the guy from Univision.
  • Kevin Hart! That bunny is definitely Kevin Hart.
  • RIP, Ricky!
  • I concede that this movie isn't sucking.
  • I recognize that bird's voice, but just can't place it.*****
  • I recognize that dog's voice, but just can't place it. ******
  • I love this Pops dog. No quit in him.
  • Okay, I'll admit this movie is actually pretty good. 
  • Action, action, save the day, yada yada.
  • I loved this movie. There, I said it. It's an A. 
  • Dang, slow those credits down! Some people actually watch/read them!
  • I still wanna see Mike & Dave.

*Louis CK
**Ellie Kemper
*** Jenny Slate
**** Steve Coogan
*****Albert Brooks
******Dana Carvey

Saturday, July 9, 2016

I'm going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse if it kills me

There are three very well-documented facts that today's blog will be based on:

  1. I LOVE the zombie genre.
  2. I abso-freaking-lutely HATE to run. 
  3. Rule NUMBER ONE of Zombieland is CARDIO. Sigh.

The less-documented fact of today's blog is that I have recently-ish joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds. I have also started trying to get in more exercise. Sigh.

I hate exercise. Every part of it, but especially running. Seriously, if God had wanted us to constantly run, he wouldn't have made us smart enough to invent the car. But I digress.

I belong to a gym. Technically, I have belonged to a gym for almost two years now. I wish that counted for something, anything....but I haven't been going regularly except for the last couple of months, which miraculously coincide with my healthy eating and weight loss. Anyway, I've been walking on the treadmill and doing the stationary bike...and Googling the best exercise for fat burning. You wanna know the best way to burn fat? The "experts" say to alternate speeds between walking and running. Well, damn. 

So I started running. Not much, mind you, because I'm still an overweight, middle-aged woman with big boobs. But I have mastered* alternating running for one minute and walking for three minutes. There's a method to the 1 minute run/3 minute walk madness. See, I can only run for about 45 seconds before I feel like I'm going to die, but I can manage to push myself to make it a full 60 seconds. (Sad, I know.) And then, it takes about three minutes until my breathing is back into "no, I promise I'm not having a heart attack in your gym" range.

So what does this have to do with my love of zombies, you ask, as if you actually cared. Well, I've found the one thing that actually helps me make it through each 60 seconds of agony. My mantra to give my torture purpose.



I still hate to run, but I'm imagining Rick Grimes waiting for me at the finish line (wherever that may be, hopefully not in Georgia.)

*mastered = managed to not die while
** I wonder how many other gym members run with this in mind?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'd like to reschedule America's next birthday, okay?

You know how parents always throw their kid's first few birthday parties on the EXACT date? Like, "little (insert-hipster-baby-name-here) was born on February 11, so her birthday party is going to be on February 11. We don't care if February 11 is a Wednesday and you have to work the next day and you live four hours away. We're celebrating her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY."

But then, as the kid gets older, they chill a little, and just make sure to have the party the weekend immediately before or after the little hipster's birthday. And this is what I want Americans to start doing for our country's birthday.

For starters, the actual name of the holiday is Independence Day; not "The 4th of July." July 4th is just the day we celebrate it. Why are we so set on July 4th?  I want us to celebrate Independence Day on the first Monday of July, whether that falls on the 4th or not. 

Why? Well, like everything else, it's all about me. I want to get a 3-day weekend every year. With Independence Day set as the first Monday in July, that's a guarantee. But July 4th? That can hit on any day of the week. Random Wednesdays off for celebrating are nice, but 3-day weekends are AWESOME.

Why else? In addition to a 3-day weekend, I want to get some freaking sleep. I suggest we get a 3-day weekend and designate Sunday as the night to do fireworks, so we have Monday to sleep in. This brilliant idea came to me after I listened to my neighbors pop firecrackers for the FIFTH night in a row last night. Last night was July 5th. There's no crying in baseball and there's no excuse for fireworks on July 5th.  

So, what I'm saying is, after 240 years, I'm pretty sure America is grown up enough that we don't have to celebrate her birthday ON HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY. 

And that my neighbors suck.  

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Random Thoughts Movie Review: The Legend of Tarzan

Every week, the nerds vote for what we want to see that week for Movie Church. It was a close one this time, with The Legend of Tarzan barely beating out Finding Dory...and thank goodness, because I KNOW Dory would have had me in tears the whole time.

Tarzan was long-ish at 1 hour and 50 minutes. It didn't have a lot of hype leading up to it's premiere in theaters, which really surprised me, considering the pretty impressive cast: Alexander Skarsgard (Erik from True Blood...maybe not an impressive actor, but he has impressive abs), Margot Robbie (from Wolf of Wall Street, soon to be Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad), Samuel L. Jackson (from everything, muthafuckas), two-time Oscar winner Christoph Waltz (from Django Unchained), and Djimon Hounsou (who will forever be the guy in the Janet Jackson video to me). 

This wasn't the greatest Tarzan movie ever, but it wasn't the worst one, either. I enjoyed it. I give it a solid B.


The random thoughts that ran through my head while watching The Legend of Tarzan:

We're not starting the movie with Tarzan?!?

Ah, finally! Tarzan. Yummo.

He was in the scene nearly 5 minutes before he said a single word. Oh, his British accent sucks. 

Samuel L. Jackson's hair. Oh my.

Samuel L. Jackson's plaid pants. Oh my.

Margot Robbie is really, really pretty. 

What's that she just said about hippos? I bet we see that in action later. 

Alexander and Margot make a really attractive couple, like from a Nazi master race poster. I bet they'd make beautiful babies, if they had any chemistry.

Tarzan has more chemistry with that lion than he does with Jane.

Jungle. Fights. Yadda yadda.

Our friend Shelly would like to point out that gorillas can't really swing through the trees like that. This Shelley would like to point out that Tarzan has a 12-pack.

That uber-low waist on Tarzan's trousers can't be historically accurate. Thank goodness the costume designer pandered to my preference.

GONG! (That's the sound of me knocking the metal popcorn bowl onto the ground.)

Fight, fight, fight. The bad guy gets what he deserves. Tarzan gets the girl. Again.

What were your thoughts on The Legend of Tarzan? Do you agree with my grade? Let me know in the comments below.


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Summer Of Trying New Things...UPDATED

I need to shake things up. Be more spontaneous. Be adventurous. Be BOLD. And so I have declared Summer 2016 to be "The Summer Of Trying New Things" or TSOTNT for short.

You see, trying new things stresses me out. I'm that girl who always orders the same sandwich when I eat at Subway (turkey, ham, cheese, mayo). I've worn my hair in more or less the same style for the last fifteen years. I still listen to the "hits of the 80s" channel in 2016! But it's time to leave that comfort zone.

TSOTNT officially started about three weeks ago...with, uh, mixed results. 

New thing #1: flirted shamelessly with a guy 20 years younger than me. FUN. So fun. Good for the ego...until he stopped flirting back.

New thing #2: Got my old man-looking eyebrows waxed. Made the gal promise me that she wouldn't leave me looking like I'm constantly surprised. 

eyebrows totally on geek

New thing #3: Survived the eyebrow wax, so decided to go all in for the leg wax. I managed to not drop an F-bomb in the salon. Hurt like a mother...but worth it. I think. 

New thing #4: Decided to try at-home chemical treatment on my "skin abnormalities" like the mole in the picture above and the one on the tip of my nose. Sigh. I read and Googled and researched. NO WHERE did it warn me it would make my skin look like this:

Those aren't pale concealer spots on my nose and cheek. They're my new sexy spots.

UPDATE: a few hours later, my nose looks like I used sandpaper on it. Sexy.

does this make my nose look fat?

I don't know what I'll try next. Roast beef at Subway? Listening to music made after 2004? Flirting with a man my own age? (I'm not sure I know any single men my age. If you are or if you know a single man who is 40-45ish, please let me know!) Any other suggestions?